The topic at the Tuesday meeting was authenticity, to which we were left to consider how authentic we were being. There is a difference between who you think you are in your family's eyes and who you really are. When your family holds you down and teaches you how to hold yourself down, you never have to worry about authenticity. It appears that a squirrel didn't bury me far enough away from my parent oak--just across the yard. A better perspective is to realize how far away that is and that they can't touch me way over here. Oh look, I dropped a branch! I could go on and on but I won't.

Right away I thought that authenticity was not the most relevant topic for me at this time. I've been angry a lot lately because of Aaron moping around the house 24/7. I grew up with troubled people, and making a concerted effort to not be one is extremely difficult when there is a conspicuous boulder in the middle of the playroom, the kitchen, the bedroom. And yes, it's the cause of my foul mood slung in F-words lately. Normally, I don't swear. I say the letter F and the word poop--that's the authentic me.

The more my friend and others talked about authenticity, the more I realized I had been living without it...without giving myself credit for being authentic, that is. I chose to be home with kids while going to school. I chose to live where I do and choose to do what I do. I even chose to make my life with a man who has a personality disorder, though I didn't think so 10 years ago. I did not chose to have him home with me everyday, nor do I like it. I CAN chose to take whatever I want from the relationship, even if it means I pretend to be making love to Clive Owen *yeah*

I don't want to feel stuck in the house. I am, with two babies, but it's about perspective, pretending, and tapping into the kid in me. I do well to ignore being stuck, yet his being here tells me I am. He's the boulder, remember? No matter what I do--bump--there he is. Oh yeah, and his not working enough is the same as that boulder putting a hole in my floor that I cannot afford to fix. Kids offer a ton of happiness to a home. Unfortunately, with the boulder posing a danger of falling through the floor, the kids can't even climb on it. They have to play around it. If I keep them from playing around it, even, they will lose their ability to play.

So, can I put aside my dreams of romance and my ideals, and stop trying to move the boulder with my exhausted mind? Authentically, motivating myself is enough of a job for me--that's what I was hired for. And romance and ideals are not really dependent on another person. I'll have them regardless. Perhaps I'll make myself a t-shirt with a pic of Clive Owen on the chest...