All the thoughtful comments received here mean so much to me. You guys are like free therapy. I'm listening. I really am.

I'm all over the place and I've decided that's the way it should be.

For a long time I was bottling myself up to not disturb the already disturbed. I was coping in a certain sick way: having to have control, trying to fix things through manipulation, and most importantly scaring myself sick. Negativity was comfortable to share, while joy would only seem to condone what he was doing.

I've always said badness breeds badness. Well, I was in the thick of bad and didn't even recognize it. What he was doing to himself was going to happen anyway, whether I was happy about life or not. One of the hardest things in the world to do was to live my life how I wanted to while he was ruining his, so I gave up. I was a monster just like him. I'm human. That's what happens to someone in my situation.

But knowing things and being right doesn't put a smile on my face. Being okay with not knowing does.

I took his phone call tonight because he talked about God and how good sobriety feels. I know that feeling, so I know he was real.

Two funny things with the kids today: Dallas calls everybody mama and he says it so lovingly ... well, he does lots of things so lovingly. He's a snuggler. And I found refuge from the babies on the couch with Rachel. I usually sit alone in my chair, but after reading some of your comments I surrendered myself to my kids--it's what works. I kept her safe from the babies teasing her; Lloyd got a kick out of the change in me; and I got to be close with innocence, love, and a warm body.

Thanks to all of you :)