We aren't getting along. Well, we either are or we aren't. Problem for me is the kids. Fighting in front of them. Both of us are right. Feelings get hurt. Egos. Being misunderstood. Manipulating. Knowing what's right for the other person. In front of kids. I told him the kids and I were better without him here and I'd sacrifice the good times between us for them. They can't grow up with this bullshit happening.

Real raw: Sober man thinks he's the authority on me and my shortcomings--so he says he's not but is deceiving himself. Do I sound like I know too much about dysfunctional people? I fucking do. If anyone is an expert.... I grew up in a mess of cold, pseudo-loving strangers. All my boyfriends had drug problems. I liked the ones with nice parents, like my husband's, the best.

I awoke to him with the baby at 5:30, about two hours earlier than usual. Maybe my husband had slept? Paint was wet on his two paintings. He was warming up a piece of chicken my mom had left for Rachel. I said it was hers. I think that was the first and only thing I said to him. He called it condescending. Wait. Let me look up the spelling and definition....

Okay. I think he was right. Him not sleeping so he could sleep all day and eating Rachel's food at 5:00 AM? I told him he might have been "right." So what? I also defended myself against his patronizing (same thing as condescending) He pointed out how I wronged him, that I ought to fix it so it doesn't happen again, and implied his superiority over me (same thing as condescending). It got heated. The chicken I returned to the fridge did not.

Worst part: I was mad and unloving to my eldest, in need of love. This is what I grew up with. I was mean to her. Short. Condescending. It's been going on this way a long fucking while. Sober man just never noticed. Anything that didn't have something to do with acquiring drugs....

Sober man cannot force change in me, just as I could not in him. He left for now. I newsflashed him that he married a messed up bitch and would be better off not engaging in conversations with me when I am at my evilest. I'm in a 12-step program to learn how to be nice, for God's sake!