A guy was in the other night. He's the "can you take the onions out of the sauce?" guy. He's an absolute clown. What makes me the authority on him is his lack of eye contact towards any of us over the past 12 years and his inability to understand what an amusing character he is with his lower than average IQ and all.

The time before this visit, Chris, the world traveler, had said earlier in the evening that this country would be better off picking someone at random to be President. Top clown dines in later ... "Can you imagine if he was the chosen one?" I said. We agreed in laughter. My thoughts: The whole country would be forced into Cleveland Indians fandom and civil wars over it. He'd see no problem in changing his name and title to Chief Wahoo.

He asks my coworker if we could cook the sausage a little more before putting it on his pizza. (There is allowance for behind-the-counter mumbling to be heard only by us, especially with this guy.) I flashed a negative on that request, but that we could put the sausage on top and it will brown in the oven, which was accepted with the clown's notorious obnoxious enthusiasm. I think I even saw him drool.

His pizza order: Large pepperoni.

I don't even know his name. Funny guy.