Am I my memories? The panic thingy I experienced last period had me wishing for a beer right then simply to forget what I was feeling so to not fear it and be ruled by it in the future. Nope. No beer handy.

This month I borrowed a xanax from my mom and ate half of it the first day of my period--a workday I normally have off. I love xanax. Too much. I love drugs, that's why I refrain. I felt better just knowing the half-a-pill was in the cupboard. I also saw myself a hundred scenarios going for it. I could get my own prescript, but may as well skip the drama and go straight through the doors of NA. Drugs don't make ya' fat. I'm there. The half-a-pill sits.

Is personality the product of memories both vivid and repressed? Someone said life only makes sense backwards. If I lost my memory would I think and act the same as before or would new memories mold me?

My coworker walked out on us without a word. I miss him. We all do. He was a great guy ... going to school and hoping to golf professionally. Someone said he did the same thing last year. I did it once in my pizzeria career too ... just couldn't go to work one day because I was depressed. I didn't call or anything, just asked for my job back a couple years later and never discussed what had happened.

My coworker's parents divorced after his dad cheated on his mom. His dad was a civil lawyer, he liked dancers, it was in the local news. Do children of a divorce where one person gives up on the marriage in such a way feel it is okay to walk out on people in their lives without an explanation? Does the memory of it cause the adult child to do it to others so to practice dealing with it should it happen to them again?

Between the psychology class, my cousin's recent news of her husband's wishes for divorce, and my return here and to my 12-step program, I've been thinking.