Several weeks ago I wanted to refresh my understanding of Tonglen which I had read about in When Things Fall Apart by Pema Chodron but couldn't find my copy.

Yesterday I found it and thought I'd put up this is from the beginning of Chapter 15: Going Against the Grain in case I misplace it again...

In order to feel compassion for other people, we have to feel compassion for ourselves. In particular, to care about people who are fearful, angry, jealous, overpowered by addictions of all kinds, arrogant, proud, miserly, selfish, mean, you name it - to have compassion and to care for these people means not to run from the pain of finding these things in ourselves. In fact, our whole attitude towards pain can change. Instead of fending it off and hiding from it, we could open our hearts and allow ourselves to feel that pain, feel it as something that will soften and purify us and make us far more loving and kind.

Tonglen practice is a method for connecting with suffering - our own and that which is all around us, everywhere we go. It is a method for overcoming our fear of suffering and dissolving the tightness of our hearts. Primarily it is a method for awakening the compassion that is inherent in all of us, no matter how cruel or cold we might seem to be.

We begin the practice by taking on the suffering of a person whom we know to be hurting and wish to help. For instance if we know a child who is being hurt, we breathe in with the wish to take away all of that child's pain and fear. Then, as we breathe out, we send happiness, joy, or whatever would relieve the child. This is the core of the practice: breathing in others' pain so they can be well and have more space to relax and open - breathing out sends them relaxation or whatever we feel would bring them relief and happiness.

Often, however we can't do this practice because we come face to face with our own fear, our own resistance or anger, or whatever our personal pain happens to be just then.

At that point we can change the focus and begin to do tonglen for what we are feeling and for millions of other people just like us who at that very moment are feeling exactly the same stuckness and misery. Maybe we are able to name our pain. We recognize it clearly as terror or revulsion or anger or wanting to get revenge. So we breathe in for all people who are caught with that same emotion, and we send out relief for whatever opens up the space for ourselves and all those countless others. Maybe we can't name what we are feeling. But we can feel it - a tightness in the stomach, a heavy darkness, or whatever. We simply contact what we are feeling and breathe in, take it in, for all of us - and send out relief to all of us.

People often say that this practice goes against the grain of how we usually hold ourselves together. Truthfully, this practice does go against the grain of wanting things on our terms, wanting everything to work out for ourselves no matter what happens to the others. The practice dissolves the walls we built around our hearts. It dissolves the layers of protection we tried so hard to create. In Buddhist language, one would say that it dissolves the fixation and clinging of ego.

Tonglen reverses the usual logic of avoiding suffering and seeking pleasure. In the process we become liberated from very ancient patterns of selfishness. We begin to feel love for both ourselves and others; we begin to take of ourselves and others. Tonglen awakens our compassion and introduces us to a far bigger view of reality. It introduces us to the unlimited spaciousness of shunyata. By doing the practice, we begin to connect with the open dimension of our being. At first this allows us to experience things as not such a big deal and not so solid as they seem before.

Tonglen can be done for those who are ill, those who are dying or have died, those who are in any pain of any kind. It can be done as a formal meditation practice or right on the spot at any time. We are out walking and we see someone in pain - right on the spot we can breathe in that person's pain and send out relief. Or we are just as likely to see someone in pain and look away. The pain brings up our fear or anger; it brings up our resistance and confusion. So on the spot we can do tonglen for all the people who are just like ourselves, all those who wish to be compassionate but instead are afraid - who wish to be brave but instead are cowardly. Rather than beating ourselves up, we can use our personal stuckness as a stepping stone to understanding what people are up against all over the world. Breathe in for all of us and breathe out for all of us. Use what seems like poison as medicine. We can use our personal suffering as the path to compassion for all beings.