It's All Gone Pete Tong is a mockumentary about a superstar DJ "Frankie Wilder" who is struck deaf ala Rush Limbaugh. I found it difficult to identify with Frankie as the film established the context of his character - not surprising as I'm not a superstar DJ used to a life of drugs, booze and sex. :-)

The movie's portrayal of what he experienced as he lost his hearing and how he handled it is however dead on.

If you want to get a sense of some of what I'm going through right now / went through thirteen years ago (as I'll explain below I'm doing better than Frankie...) watch this movie.

My current status regarding my hearing situation is that I do not think I am responding to the antibiotics to eliminate the sinus infection which is thought to be the proxmiate cause of the hearing loss. My hearing is about the same as it was Wednesday or a little worse. I can hear someone speaking directly to me in my personal space. Using a headset with my phone I can usually hear well enough to have a short conversation. I now have near constant tinnitus in my left ear which could be slightly worrisome.

Given my past history of hearing loss I view this as a serious condition and my #1 priority is to address the sinus infection and get a second opinion regarding diagnosis of the hearing loss.

I am going to followup with my Dr regarding the antibiotics and contact the ENT I used in the past for an appointment.

Given the lack of firm data it is difficult to project future outcomes. I am going to begin discussing with my employer how we can work together so I can continue to be effective as best as I can.

If there is reason to believe this is temporary yet persistent I am going to inquire w/my ENT regarding advisability of a hearing aid.

It is now Sunday evening and looking back I think that I refound my center sometime Friday - I am not experiencing the same fear I was Wednesday and Thursday.

I am having to remind myself that even though I am feeling more grounded in "I'm going to be ok" that does not necessarily mean my hearing is going to be restored, it simply means I'll be ok whatever happens. For all I know cochlear implants are in my future. Clearly I'd prefer to avoid that...

Thinking back through this weekend I think that what I'm experiencing right now is annoyance with how much harder it is to communicate and tired because it is highly draining.

For about the past year I'd set the intention to accept any social invitation provided no conflicts with my schedule (e.g. visitation with my children). I had received an invitation to dinner this evening and started wondering Sunday afternoon if I'd bail. I'd had my son this weekend (my daughter was at a sleepover) and was tired and didn't know how I'd experience being in a group social setting and it being so hard to hear.

I did go and literally patted myself on the back afterwards. I estimate I could follow 20% of the conversational flow and was able to have some individual conversations. One one hand I'm glad I went - I am now thinking that I consciously need to think of ways to avoid isolating myself and on the other hand it was a challenging experience and I'm not sure how I'd handle future situations if this continues to persist.

It is this uncertainty that I also find stressful and that I'm trying to release.

Having refound my center I have spent some time pondering the situation from a place of I hope some objectivity (having gone through denial and bargaining when this first happened thirteen years ago I have some sense of what it feels like). Given the underlying sense of "you'll will be ok" it's difficult to separate that from my intuition yet there is a sense that this will eventually resolve itself in a way that I would call 'gentle' (I consider cochlear implants to be 'harsh').

When I find downtime to pause and reflect I am grateful for a great many things. I am grateful my friends who have been helping me through this. I am grateful to those sending me healing and support.

Please know if you've e-m me and I haven't replied it's only because I've been juggling a lot (as we all are) and will reply when I can.

Namaste.