So I’m 31 now. Prime child-bearing years are slowly melting away and the coming decade will see my egg count diminish. It’ll get harder and harder to conceive the less young I get. Plus, the idea of chasing a toddler around in my 40s makes waiting seem stupid. If I'm going to decide to have kids, now's the time to do it.

So why ain’t I popping ‘em out yet? Many, many, many reasons. A myriad, a plethora. Okay, seven.

Reason #1: Children change your life completely; infants especially so. No sleep, no free time. No time for love, Dr. Jones. I mean, I have a cat, and that has changed my life – I have to cat-proof the house, I have to be home at night to feed her and clean her litter box, I have to watch her health and take her to the vet, etc. Without a cat, we were free to come and go as we pleased. We could leave the goddamn bedroom door open at all times. We could stay out all night, or leave food on the table while we went into in another room for five seconds. Not anymore. And that’s just a cat, for fuck’s sake. A baby? Forget it. Even less of a life there. Just ask anyone who’s ever had a kid. No sleep, no time to shower, no time to clean the house, no time to see or talk to friends, no time to eat unless the baby’s asleep, no time (or desire) to get laid. My god. And the crying! I don’t want to listen to that for a night, let alone years. Shit, we got our upstairs neighbor to leave because her goddamn brat was so fucking noisy and annoying. Why would I want that in my own house?


Reason #2: Children are messy. They puke, they pee, they shit, they throw things, they write on walls, they bring in bugs and dirt and diseases from other children. They’re foul little creatures with snotty noses and grimy hands. My nephew recently shat all over my brother-in-law because his diaper wasn’t on tight enough. I think I would have thrown him across the room. I myself puked all over my parents’ bed when I was around 4 or 5. How they didn’t chuck me off the terrace, I don’t know.



Reason #3: The pain, my god, the pain. Every time I pick up one of those What To Expect When You’re Expecting books out of curiosity, I’m ever so sorry I did: they describe pregnancy as a time of bloating, nausea, back ache, bad skin, acid reflux, swollen body parts, hemorrhoids, and other fun things. Plus, walking around with a human being growing inside you is just creepy. And giving birth? Fuck that. I don’t care how many drugs are available now, if I’m getting an episiotomy, I’m out. I refuse to be split from taint to twat.


Reason #4: Children are Expen$ive! Know how much I make? Not enough for a kid. Kids need food, diapers, clothing, medical and dental care, toys, education, furniture, more toys to shut them up, candy to shut them up, after-school activities and summer camp to get a moment’s peace, etc. I don’t even have enough money to get new orthotics for my shoes. And college? By the time my kid would be ready for college, it’ll cost about $8 trillion a semester. I guess Junior will have to pump gas for a career.


Reason #5: My parents. They’re going to go nuts. All 5 of them. My in-laws don’t have any grandkids yet, so they’d be thrilled. My dad & step-mom have a grandson already, but he’s my step-brother’s, so my dad would be thrilled to have someone of his blood. And my mom’s a big sap, so she’d be thrilled too. They’d all want to visit all the time, and they’d call incessantly and drive me & Peat insane. My sister-in-law was ready to move to Antarctica just to avoid all the phone calls. And they’d spoil the kid rotten, which is always fun to deal with. Everyone loves a spoiled kid. Right, Veruca ?




Reason #6: Me as a parent – scary concept. My parents royally fucked me up, and I’m terrified of doing the same to any kid of my own. I’m afraid I’d be really strict and have no patience and I don’t think I could handle it very well. Why should I create another fucked up person when there are already so many in the world?


Reason #7: Speaking of the world, why would anyone want to bring a new person into a world that’s filled with terrorism and global warming and disease and bible-thumpers and the Republican party and Carrot Top ? That’s just cruel.



The problem is, there are rebuttals to all of these reasons. Rebuttals like the thrill of seeing your kid on a stage or playing sports, the knowledge that you’re guiding someone’s growth and education, getting home-made presents with macaroni glued on them. And, of course, the whole unconditional love thing. But is all of that worth all of the aggravation mentioned above? I just don’t know. I guess I’ll never know unless I actually have a child of my own.

My step-mother says it’s the best experience in the world, but that it’s unbelievably cruel to have a child if you really don’t want one. She’s right. And that’s my biggest fear of all.


"People who get nostalgic about childhood were obviously never children." - Calvin & Hobbes