Just got a pedicure. Man, is that a little slice of heaven. Few men realize the luxurious relaxation that goes hand-in-hand with pedicures. (Manicures aren't as relaxing, but they feel good, too. The basic procedure is the same for both hands and feet, but it just feels better on feet.) So here, for my husband and my many male friends, I dissect the phenomenon of going for a pedicure.

Luckily, most places in NYC are walk-in, so you can go whenever you have a free hour. Lunchtime is hit-or-miss, since some places get huge lines. A lot of places have deals, too, if you get a manicure along with the pedicure: $20 Mani-Pedi, or something to that effect. It's usually a good bargain, but I rarely have a manicure. I type too much. Anyway, onto the process.

First, you pick a polish color from the nail place's assortment (unless you bring your own). This can be an extremely difficult decision, or it can be immediate. Depends on the day, on your mood, on what you're wearing, on upcoming events (I have a wedding next week, but I'm only wearing open-toed shoes to the rehearsal dinner, so I can be somewhat flashy and not worry about it clashing with my dress or peeking through stockings). Yes, girls actually think about this stuff. Get over it.

Next, you get in the chair. It resembles the sort of chair you sit in to get your shoes shined, if anyone has that done anymore. Some places have massage chairs. (This is a big plus in my book. I spent an entire lunch hour sitting in massage chairs at Bloomingdale's once. I’m banned from Sharper Image.) At the base of the chair is the basin in which your feet will then be soaked, scrubbed and softened. Some places use bath salts or bubbles in these tubs, some don't. Either way, it's lovely to have your feet scrubbed clean for you. The sponge used is more like a loofah, so dead skin is rubbed away, too. Scratchy, but soothing. Yum.

After the scrubbing, your toenails are clipped or filed, depending on your preference (some places do this before you soak – supposedly, soaking makes your nails softer and easier to clip, but I've never noticed a difference). Round, square, short, whatever you want. Then they clip your cuticles and clean up any hangnails. Then they buff them smooth and push nutrient oil into your cuticles to make them stronger and softer.

As they do this to one foot, the other is placed back in the basin for warm bubbling action. Clip one foot while the other soaks, then switch, etc. When both feet are done, they rub lotion into your feet and calves. This is by far the best part of the pedicure. It's a mini-massage, and some places offer extras like 10 minutes for $10, or special emollient rubs. But even without these extras, the plain lotion massage is nice. After the lotion is rubbed in, they take a hot washcloth and rub you down with it so you're not covered in excess goop. Mmmmm.

Once you're clean and moisturized, they do a once-over with nail polish remover to make sure they're working on a blank slate. Then they do a base coat to protect your nails, two coats of polish, and a top coat to protect the paint job. Then you somehow drag your ass out of the chair and go sit under a nail dryer for 5-10 minutes, at which point some places provide quick impromptu shoulder rubs and neck massages. A lovely finishing touch to 45 minutes of pampering.

And that, friends, is the magic of pedicures. Of course, it's impossible to get a full experience from a written description, but you get the gist. Women love foot rubs, and this combines a foot rub with lotion, soaking, scrubbing, and beautifying. It's intimate, as anything having to do with feet would be, but it's also luxurious as hell to have someone pamper you like that. It's a delicious sensation.

Marcellus Wallace knew that – that's why he threw Tony Rocky Horror out a four-story window. (Or so they say.)