Thu Oct 20 - Massive waves of "get organized!" thoughts came over me on the drive home last night. Most of that was inspired by getting organized at my desk at work, where the clutter had gotten too much for me and I went through my shoulder bag and my odds and ends like a whirlwind.

The big daydream during my drive was to finally move boxes around between my bedroom and the living room. I have that large Ron-and-Pamela-built-it bookcase out in the living room, with the intention that all the sewing and crafts and projects and spinning would end up there. When Adrienne helped me throw out nearly 13 boxes of stuff, I moved the "easy to deal with later" boxes out into the living room. When I needed to tidy around the house, they got thrown on the Pamela-shelf with no sense of "these actually belong here." Plus, when Saul helped me move the last of my boxes from the old place, we threw all the sewing boxes up over my loft bed, so those were also "not where these belong."

So when I got home, I moved all the boxes off the loft and off the Pamela-shelf, and sorted them into "stays here, goes elsewhere." I even cleared several boxes off the black-rolly shelf in my room, consolidating all the sewing boxes together, all the spinning together, all the fleeces, all the projects and arts & crafts and other supplies boxes together, and leaving a stack of boxes around that still have to go back into my loft.

I really like the look of all the projects together, which very well might be the first time ever EVER that I've had all of them together. I don't remember ever having them done right back when I was married, and I've had seven addresses in five calendar years since then, so this really is probably the first time in my life I've gotten them all in the same room, on the same shelves.

Of course, I still have tons of boxes to move back into my room, and then start rationing them one at a time so that I really clean them all out and put them all away. I probably eventually need a four-drawer filing cabinet, but I did get a cool gift certificate from my Mom for the Container Store that I haven't indulged in yet. But I also could just keep using these stackable plastic boxes as if they were each their own filing cabinet drawer for a little longer.

And I need to come up with some kind of "disguise / hide / decorate this" technique for the living room crafts supplies shelves. I keep imagining curtain rods hung from the ceiling so that Mina and I can change the curtains as the season and whim hits us. We're throwing a Halloween party next Friday night, and it might be kind of fun to have something appropriate up by then. I definitely did the big move-all-the-boxes organizing because I want to be ready for the party.

After all that, I managed to get all the laundry hung up, the ironing done, and even some mending done. (My silk sari that I used at GWW had gotten two small rips in it. Pooh. But all fixed now!) Got the vacuuming done, the pretty wool rug unrolled and vacuumed, and my desk picked up a bit. Yeah me.

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On the internal-dialogue front, it's been a rough day in two ways. First, the Yule celebration in my new Barony had to change the date of the event for some reason. No one has yet told me why it had to move, but it had something to do with the site I think. At least that's what I'm guessing from the hints I've picked up in several email conversations.

I'm slightly hurt that I haven't heard the whole story yet, and am just feeling a little bit on the fringe. I thought this was a great way to jump in whole-feet-wet to my new Barony, and I guess I just feel like the outsider today. You see, I cannot run the event on the new date because my band is performing that day, which should be really exciting. But now not only am I missing Yule, but friends from my Barony probably cannot come see me sing.

On top of that, Sunday of Halloween weekend is the event that includes a competition to be the Bard of this barony. I really wanted to compete, and several friends have high hopes for me doing well in the competition. But one of the responsibilities of this position is to perform at Yule. I can't be at Yule, so I don't think in good conscience I can even compete now, because I cannot uphold the resposibilities of the post. Double the sadness and feeling left out.
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That, and I've been thinking about the concept of jealousy. Usually I think jealousy as an active, almost angry kind of feeling. I never really picture it as a wistful sadness, a foggy lingering feeling. But chatting till 2 am the other night, it came up in conversation that by definition it's just wishing for what someone else has. It doesn't matter if it's a hard-edged emotion or a lingering cloudiness.

I have these gorgeous, wonderful photos around my desk at work of my family. There's the beautiful mother's day picture of my cousin, his wife, and their first son. There's all the girls in the family gathered around my Grandad at last month's brunch-with-Grandad. There's family gathered around my Mom's birthday last December. All four nieces have photos up on my wall. And there's my step-sister's Christmas photo with her husband and their daughter hangs up near me.

And all I can think, wistfully today, is that jealousy is not an attractive color on me. What is it in the world that makes most of us want to partner off and have a family? What is it that keeps me from being there too?

Sometimes I feel like the consequences of marrying the wrong person years ago, that these consequences are lasting too long and are affecting too much. I rejoice with my friends who are happy to just be a couple and have no interest in raising kids. But I guess I have to admit I'm jealous that they've found someone to spend their life with. This being single thing, at my age, with my heart's desires, is beyond annoying and is some days harder to shoulder than others.

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Recently Listened to: Indigo Girls Strange Fire

Recently Watched: Good Eats about eggplants (oh! that's how you cook them without them tasting icky! got it!), The Secret Life of.... about Honey (yum), NCIS, Xena (yes I know I've seen them all already, but it's good background junk when I'm cleaning, ironing, and mending)