Mon Oct 24 - I've never previously understood the concept of "making yourself sick" especially with emotional turmoil or stress. Yes, I've experienced the occasional migraine *after* a stressful time ended, when I finally let down my guard. But I'd never really gotten *sick* sick from stress or turmoil. I suppose there's a first for everything, hmm? I went home before lunch because I just couldn't get my stomach to behave. My boss was incredibly understanding and basically *sent* me home, to feel better.

On the boring side, I did manage to get all the boxes in the living room moved into my bedroom in preparation for the big Halloween party this week. And then I just curled up with the television and remotes and enjoyed the back episodes of West Wing while dumping them down to tape for Saul.

But then on the contemplative side: How do I feel about feeling sick? I've got two minds on this. One, I really need to be ultra-focused at work to repay my boss for being so cool and sending me home. Two, I need to get my head back under control. And not just because I want to =not= make myself sick, or anything that superficial. But I also don't want to seem like I just quit and give up when things get tough emotionally.

Clearly, I know what made me feel sick—that whole "that's it, I'm done" mentality. I hate when I get hard-edged on the inside. I like when I'm "in my element" and not driven by frustration. This is just not a natural pose for me. I've even put down books only half read when I found my internal dialogue getting "hard-edged" and "I can do this by just hard work and super-buckle-down effort." It's an attitude I'm *extremely* uncomfortable with when I notice it, and I usually reject it.

And when I think about long-term relationships someday, I know that vows mean a lot to me. There's no just giving up, no just quitting. Even in my divorce, it took two years of daily misery for me to finally recognize I'd done everything I could possibly do, and there was no fix left for me to try.

I just hope that until someone comes knocking on my door, hoping I'd be interested in some kind of long-term commitment, that I can hold true to myself, not attempt some weird "throw up my hands" hard-attitude in frustration. I hope I can find ways to be thankful for each and every day, each and every friend and blessing in my life.

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Recently Listened to: Gravity Willing Requia
Recently Watched: Four episodes of West Wing, Smallville, Inside the Actor's Studio... Elton John

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Today's Blessing That I'm Thankful For: Dayle and Ken. I love watching your marriage grow, having your friendship with me deepen, and I'm constantly thankful for your love and support.