Food and Weight and Bad History - This is very "confessional" time. If you're really not into hearing about eating disorders and all that, please just accept a hug from me, and stop reading this journal entry. It's not real pretty, and it's not for everyone. See ya, next entry.

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The Start of It All - I have had issues with how I feel about my weight since junior high. When I switched from blissfully unaware of the opinions of my fellow students in elementary school to the sudden awareness of peer pressure in junior high, it was a bucket of cold water over my head. I can actually remember the moment when, in a drive-through, I ordered a diet soda pop instead of whatever I drank before. I never drank another sugar soda pop ever again, after that one fast-food order. (It was called "Tab" back then, and I can actually remember when Diet Coke came out, AND when they switched to capital letters because they started out as "diet Coke.") (And yes, I grew up where it was called "pop." That was the first word I had to switch in my dialect, when I moved from OH to CA.)

My obsession with trying to diet and/or lose weight started there in seventh grade. Somewhere in junior high, I heard about diet pills, and I'd hoard my allowance, trying the "magic" of dexetrim and other nonsense. (None of that worked, of course.) I got briefly interested in running cross-country when a friend invited me to join her on the team at the end of ninth grade, and I ran all summer and for the whole season in tenth grade. I never liked running, it hurt my knees and my ankles, and obsession with exercise was tough for me to hold on to. I did take too many dance classes and run at the same time until my ankles couldn't handle it anymore, and I ended up on crutches. Then I hurt my knee skiing in twelfth grade, ended up on crutches, and never thought about running again.

Obsessive running and other exercise was never really my game, and I also tried to see if either anorexia or bulimia would work for me. In ninth grade, I managed a span of three weeks eating only two oranges per day, but got sick with just a plain old cold during the run of a play, and was frightened of being caught not eating. So I learned to throw up occasionally, and that mostly got me through high school. I was at best close to 112-120 lbs in junior high, and I was only 130-135 lbs when I went off to college, but at 5'4" I thought I was "supposed to be" no more than 120 lbs and so therefore I must be obese at 135, heaven help me when I hit 140. Can you believe that? 5'4" 135 lbs and size 13. I was *never* slender. Ever.

In college, I decided that the whole "throwing up" routine was "sick behavior" so I just stopped. Like that. (Really, I have several habits in my history where I just decided to change them, so they were changed.) But exercise was just exhausting, and I had much more fun doing other things than exercising for exercise sake. I didn't want to throw up, I didn't want to take pills, and I didn't want to exercise. So, I gained weight slowly. VERY slowly. One pound here, two pounds there. Most of the time, clothes were worn out or out of style before I had to change sizes.

Fixing My Head - Somewhere near the end of college or after college, my best friend and I went to Weight Watchers. I really found the problems in my head, when I discovered I had some odd notion that I "wasn't worth buying good food for" but that I would cook for friends, and make sure there were leftovers I could survive on for the week. I also finally grasped the mathematical concept of certain parts of "portion control" (what IS a portion of XYZ, anyways?), and that I was insanely addicted to eating fruit. If I could, I would have eaten almost nothing but fresh fruit and some diet coke to drink. So WW really taught me why I gained weight (eating almost entirely too much fruit, issues with portion control, issues with putting myself first for healthy food choices), and I learned how to lose weight by being smart. And after a while, it was like paying for lessons I'd already learned. Now, it was just a matter of putting the lessons into practice.

Looking back, I'd gained weight from high school to end of college to the WW classes, and then in my marriage and afterwards I gained a different set of weight. It's now 23 years later since I went to college thinking that 135 lbs and size 13 jeans was obese. It's been a VERY long time since then, and I've come to much healthier attitudes about my body and food. I actually don't mind being overweight, because whatever weight I am now is the weight I am. It is what it is. I just put on a smile, try to dress appropriately for my size, and enjoy my day. But I really would like to lose weight eventually, in a healthy manner, and without surgery or pills or sickness and eating disorders.

Admitting The Need for Exercise - Guess what that leaves? *sigh* Yup, exercise. I've built a habit since those obsessive days in junior high and high school that I do not allow myself to weigh myself more than once a day. Even weighing myself every day is misleading, but it's hard for me *not* to weigh myself every morning. But that means I have watched my weight swing and shift daily, and had to try to reconcile this knowledge in my head. And I *can* lose weight slowing and successfully by cooking good food, portioning meals in cute little boxes and taking my meals with me to work, and generally obsessively watching every meal I eat. But that exhausts me, mentally, because I don't *want* to have to obsess over every meal, every day, every week, every month.

So ocassionally I give up, and just make meal-to-meal decisions about my food, and don't make over-arching plans for days and weeks at a time. This means I eat out too often, or just eat whatever kind of groceries I can store at work for a week at a time. There are some great shelf-safe bowls of brown rice that I adore, and packages of Indian dishes (lentils, garbazos, eggplant, spinach, etc.). There's enough room in the fridge at work that I can keep a few items, and I've started drinking more water again (with a splash of orange juice, my favorite way to drink water). But that's not enough--I finally admitted I have to exercise regularly.

My plan currently is to exploit all the free-exercise options first, before I spend any money. Wednesday morning, I went for a walk/jog for 20 minutes before my shower and work day. My legs definitely felt it, all day Wed and Thu. And this morning, I went again. This time, the 20 minute session felt like it went faster than last time, and it seemed slightly easier to do the whole routine. There's a park at the end of my block, so I put my housekey on a string around my neck, a watch in my wrist, and hit the sidewalks. I'm sure that this routine will bore me after a while, and I'll start changing it up. But between walking, jogging, and/or running -- there's my first free-exercise effort. I also have a bicycle, which I need to clean up and use again. I even own a bike rack, so I could take my bike to work with me. I own a couple of exercise tapes and DVDs, so there's some home workout routines. And I have one exercise routine book that I enjoyed in the past, that includes how to "life weights" at home with household objects like canned goods, books, etc. I might even know where my old stretch resistance bands are in the closet.

When I've successfully been doing lots of my free exercise options, my plan is to reward myself with a membership to a local community center that has a weight room, a pool, and all those "gym membership" amenities. Adrienne and Jeff just bought memberships there, and they're taking their son to go swimming, so that's another reward for myself--the ability to go swimming with "my nephew." My sister has a pool so she's been swimming with my (actual blood relative) nephew, so that'll be another motivation: Go shopping for a swimsuit so I can swim with both my nephews. *grin*

Results this week? I've already lost the 3.2 lbs that got me thinking "alright fine, I'll go exercise." I'm back to the "zero mark" that I was watching in the first place.
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Today's Blessing That I'm Thankful For: The ability to still get up and improve myself