Outing the Brain Weasels - When I first started dealing with the brain weasels--those voices in your head that either lie to you, mock you, or otherwise try to undermine you--I wrote a bit of a rant in a private space with only a few very close friends for an audience. One of those friends sent me a private text to encourage me and give me some props. And I responded back that I had been "outing the brain weasels," which was a fairly darn brave first step.

This morning some other things happened that made me think it's time to share this publically, hopefully to help more people who might be fighting these particular brain weasels (or some weasel cousins of some sort).

First, the Trigger Warning: If you have issues with weight loss discussions, numbers from the scale, etc. you may want to read the following with some caution. But that's the thing: I have brain weasels that are eating disorder related, and I'm going to out the damn bastards to try and reduce their secret hold on my brain.

What I wrote yesterday follows in italics.

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[...I was reminded] of a few things I need to deal with: Body Image, Weight Loss, Food (or lack of). I had been ignoring some warning signs in my brain, mostly because ...I didn't want to deal with them (who ever does?)....

So nearly all of you know that I've been training in bellydance more and more over the past 2.5+ years. In some ways, this has been VERY healthy for dealing with body image issues and weight loss [or not]. I am not only celebrated for just being myself, this size this day, but also have been an inspiration for other dancers trying to conquer their own body size and image issues. Also, dancing now 10.5+ hours/week means I have an incredible fitness regimen. Over the past three years I've lost 24 lbs total, one full pants size, and trimmed fat into muscle in some significant ways. You can see the changes when you look at side-by-side photos.

That doesn't mean I'm not haunted DAILY/HOURLY by all the eating disorder issues that I've battled with for 30 years now. The problem with success: It can sometimes fuel the bad-voices more than anything else. So I'm just going to admit it here in an effort to wage successful battles: I'm constantly finding myself thinking crap like, "I'm not allowed to eat." Now, I've never been good at out-right starvation. But even reducing portions or meal sizes on a regular basis straddles a VERY FINE LINE between healthy and dangerous for someone in recovery from eating disorders.

I'll always be "in recovery" from my eating disorder issues. I'll never be free from it. And as much as I chase the healthy attitudes and accomplishments, sometimes it's a real burden to deal with that tightrope line, that thin sword edge that threatens. It annoys me. But well, there's the honesty of it. I'll always be in some pain about eating anything at all, because I'll always be looking for that fractional weight loss again in the morning. *sigh*

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So then as I was headed out from the office last night, I stopped off at Target to buy an additional bathroom scale. My old scale now lives at my Sweetie's house (because it was more accurate) and I missed being able to weigh myself in the morning before my shower at my house. I agonized nearly ten minutes in front of the scales, trying to decide how little or how much data I wanted shouting at me in the morning. I gave in and bought my first scale that calculates (or estimates) body fat percentage. I'm a bit of a numbers nerd, so I rationalized that more data is better.

Later this morning, I calculated what the estimated percentage was telling me and how much would I weigh with Zero Percent body fat (a ridiculous hypothetical). If I were 0% fat I would be 150lbs. Let's read that again. I'm 5'4" but I have 150 POUNDS OF MUSCLE AND SKELETON. As a kid growing up, the charts said that women 5'4" [quote] should [unquote] weigh 120 lbs. Yes, I would have to lose 30lbs of hard-won muscle AND be 0% body fat for that to happen.

That's right, I am TOO DAMN MUSCULAR and I LOVE IT!

So then I had some fun looking up "healthy body fat percentages" for women in my age bracket (even though I've nearly lost all respect for charts that recommend ANYTHING about weight anymore). I would be considered "healthy" after only 40lbs loss, not 100+lbs loss. I've never been so pleased to have given in and bought a scale than to validate I'm a MUSCULAR woman of awesome.

In three years I've lost more than 25 lbs. Who knows how many pounds of muscle I've gained as I've increased my dancing and walking and fitness pursuits?

So, I'm admitting publically that I have an eating-disorder brain. I struggle daily to NOT obsess about body size, weight loss, or being "allowed" to eat food. I will likely struggle with this all my life. But I've also just gained some validating numbers that I'm in better shape than I thought, I'm on the right track, and I'm more than the sum of my numbers on a chart.

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Today's Blessing That I'm Thankful For: My energy. My math skills. My friends. My daily ability to kick these brain weasels in the arse. And my continuing ability to dance more every week, every month.