***** WARNING YOU MAY NOT WANT TO READ BUT THIS IS A GROWTH ISSUE FOR ME*** Yesterday when dh got home from store, that did not have scripts doc ordered, we unpacked bags. We had gone out to lunch after doctors visit then to Borders. Books bought by both of us. He's reading the Dragon Riders of Pern series and anything else by same author. Finally interested in reading again. Me, Of course, found a few I found interesting. Anyway, I sat on couch and was relaxing and he made comment-I followed him into bedroom and helped him put on the slipper socks that I made-his feet were cold. I though he said he was going to take a nap; I said ok; he also made a comment about how now that I had books I was going to read or some such thing-I basicly agreed. Well he didn't like that and sent me a text saying "up yours' which I ignored. Then I got another one that said " I am suffocating myself with a pillow." I responded with "Stop that, if you are not going to sleep, get up." He didn't get up so I thought he fell asleep. Then there was a crash from the bedroom. The little cabinet that serves as his nightstand was knocked over with everthing on the floor, glasses bent out of shape etc. As was the floor lamp on his side and his cpap machine. I asked him what happened and he said that he had been suffocating himself. I told him that if that was true then I was calling 911 and the doctor. He needed to be admitted. He insisted no, he was breathing normally. Then we talked. He had wanted 'down'time. I told him why didn't you say that instead of saying you were taking a nap. I wasn't interested in laying down at all. He sort of whined about how I should know about down time-and I called him on it-we had been together why the down time-and why on the bed. We could sit in the living room together. He was upset at some comments I had made earlier-he was right, I had been short with him-part of it was nerves because of the docs visit and I had already apologized for it. I told him that I am worried about every thing that is going on with me. Then I told him that I am tired of his "threats of suicide" whenever he gets upset. I also told him that suffocation by pillow is extremely hard to self inflict because of the adult body survival instinct and that if he is truly suicidal then he needs to talk to someone. He insists that people have done it-I just told him that I refuse to have that come up with every upset. As I put it "Self harm is not a healthy way of dealing with upsets or anger. I refuse to live in that type of relationship any longer. You have been pulling that type of argument with me for too many years and enough is enough." He agreed to stop it. Now, I have to figure out the consequence and the only one is to call 911 and the doctor the next time he threatens. That will have an effect on his job. Do I really believe that he was close to suffocating himself this time-no-his breathing was too normal-no gasping, no heavy breathing, he was able to move normally. He was acting up. Not a true suicide, but I am not playing his game anymore. And I invited him to change and grow with me. His response was why does he have to change-why can't I. According to him, he has been doing all the changing. I have never changed to suit him. Apparently my changing all those years ago was invisible to him and expected. But he did agree that for our marriage to last-WE BOTH HAVE TO CHANGE! So, it is working, my boundaries are working-I just have to enforce them.

Later on, I started reading again. He wasn't happy, but he didn't pounce like he normally does. Went to bed and I was in discomfort. He wanted to do more than sleep, but I am not up to it right now. (really can't wait to find out and fix what's wrong) He was a little restless but instead of getting mad, he said, "I am getting up so that you can fall asleep without me bothering you. I'll come to bed later." Gave me a goodnight kiss, and I fell asleep. I don't even know when he came to bed. But that is his problem, not mine, and not anything I do about it. No argument-but we will see what happens tonight. He's working from home, so we won't have alot of contact today-and he likes alot of contact.

Today, I sit at div. secretary's desk. Not bad, but found out wednesday. Good thing I am in-good thing the doctor didn't see something he needed to do today-oh well.

Did do some crocheting-found a pattern to make my sister's scarf. It is in this issue of Crochet world. It is a bobble hat and scarf set-the scarf is short and a keyhole type. I may run out of yarn-hope to find black matching type. I do have to get care instructions.