I know that my DH is partially to blame for some of my health problems. I know that I would have a calmer life if I left him. But, and this is a big But, I don't want to. When things are going great-they really go great. And I have been learning how to deal with the other times. He will not change. He will always be needy. He doesn't want to change-that I know. So, I have to use the techniques that I am learning to keep myself on track. If I want to do something, I do it, and then deal with the results later. That happened last night when I wanted to read and didn't pay him enough attention. He didn't "feel" my prescense. We were sitting in the same room, but because I was totally involved in my book-he got upset. A couple of other things were involved, We hashed it out and I thought it was resolved. Uh, no. He took an idea I had (if I become unemployed) and expanded it as if it were happening right away. This is dealing with my crafts, his comments-you love your crafts. Yes, I do love my crocheting, but so what? He doesn't have anything, and he is starting to see that this line of thinking isn't quite right. Oh well, I will just continue on. He knows something has changed with me and it scares him, but I continue steady. I didn't react the same way this morning as I usually do-no upset stomach this morning. I went to sleep-got up as normal. Then he starts again at breakfast. I told him I apologized for hurting his feelings. He said that he felt that I wasn't sincere enough. WTF? That is when I gave up. I left for work. We are meeting for lunch, he is all apologetic again. Here goes the merry go round, only, I am not on it. I am watching him on it. It feels freeing.

I go to knitting class tonight. I think we are going out to eat together-I would like to, but if he doesn't want to come, his loss.

We were talking this weekend, and he made a statement that he doesn't remember me spending lots of time with him when we were newlyweds and young parents on Okinawa. He worked rotating shift work.-days,7-3, swings 3-11, mids 11-7. It was called a 6-2,6-2,6-3 schedule. When our son was born, days and swings were easy-lots of family time, mids was difficult, but he would come home and sleep till around 4-5, and then play with son and we would spend time together. He doesn't remember any of this. He doesn't remember a comment being made to us, shortly before he was transferred back to the states, we were walking holding hands-a friend was watching both of the babies, and we were told "stop acting like newlyweds! You've been married for over a year." It was one of his friends. Everyone always saw us together if he wasn't at work-it was his choice and I was happy to go along. He belonged to a bowling league and we would go to watch the games.

That gave me the final news-it will never be enough time together. He will always want more and more. I will guard what I need always. I have to. But, it doesn't mean that I will leave him-I love him too much. And for now, the scale is tipped that way. When it tips the other way-the story will change. (I am working on enmeshment and co-dependency-those are the changes he senses.)