I know that there are times when I think things and don't say them. I keep my mouth shut, and yet B says that I have said whatever it is that I thought just when I thought it. It has been happening more and more often. This is also what is driving the honesty bit. It happened 3 times yesterday, and it seems like he is reading my mind at times. This is leading to a feeling of a lack of privacy that is so invasive that I cannot describe it. There are times when I feel like I cannot own my own thoughts. When I am not with him, it is better, but that is only at work and mainly when he works at home. When we are together it seems normal, only after we are apart for a couple of hours do I see how unreal and unhealthy it is. Part of me loves him still, but the other part of me is clawing to get away-and just doesn't quite know how to do so without destroying him and destroying me in the process.

He is stuck in the first stage of romantic love-the cute cards and pet names and always want to be in bed stage. (sometimes that is fun still) But it never ends with him.

There are no deep discussions about other topics, and heaven help if I disagree, or if something from my very early childhood triggers a bad moment for me. I am finding out that my bouts of ill health seem to coincide with very early childhood memory recall and I don't know which one is triggering which. I want BOTH to stop!

TT posted something in a previous comment that describes part of what is going on with B, he acts like he cares and empathizes, but changes it to something that would benefit him. I.e. intimacy has been very difficult for me lately. I wonder why? ;) Anyway, after a flashback, his idea of comfort was to try to initiate a lovemaking session, uh, I wasn't even all mentally present yet. Not to mention I had told him to lay off the pressure that I felt non-stop-coversation two days ago.

The flashback went to when sis and I were in foster home, approx month before we were placed with our parents. My sis was in danger from foster mom, I don't know why, but I put myself between them. Considering sis was only 3 and I was 5, I think I did this fairly often. I got beat pretty good. I remember getting sis to her crib and I remember an older boy who was almost old enough to leave coming in and 'rescuing' us. Still remember his name and eyes. God, it was a vivid memory. I was pretty bruised on my back, but sis was ok and safe, and that is all I cared about.

I have been having memory flashbacks for the past year or so-some are very vivid and violent, some are peaceful. The ones with the foster mom are the violent ones. I had been thinking that I was feeling safe with B and that is the reason why they were coming out. But I wonder. I think the reason they are coming out is that I am feeling safe here.

Even though you all can get exasperated with me and harshish, and make me think-thank you, I am growing. And this works just like therapy does. And I am safe here.

Anyway, just to let you know, that foster mom was removed from the system once sis and I were adopted and my folks brought us to the doctors. WE were in bad shape and doc was going to report my folks to the state. My mom told doc to report to the state since the state had just given us to them. Back then the social workers could not make 'surprise' visits, so Mrs. Calhoun never saw bruises or dirty clothes or mean voice or hungry children. She was shocked when my mom showed her the clothes we were sent to them with.

Back to the topic, these memories are surfacing faster and when I am not feeling well it is like I have a different personality. At least that is what B says. I think that it is that I don't pretend or try to block anything. I just protect myself, not him. I don't act anyway. I am myself then. He doesn't like it. He doesn't like me. But I do.