On Saturday we tried to get my liscense renewed-we forgot that Monday (normal closed day for DMV) was a holiday so they were closed Saturday too. Trip on metro and bus for nothing. Oh, well, nice day and we were going to Target anyway, so on we went. Then a not quite lifted toe and a brick that wasn't quite flat met. And down I went. On my left knee, again. No broken bones. Just a bit embarassed. Up I get, can still walk, so we continue shopping. Home we go. By the time we get home, the knee is letting me know that there is something not quite ok. So I put it up on the couch, B picks up the place because the Hometeacher is coming. Brother C comes and talks to us for awhile. He leaves a nice gift-one of our books on cd. Oh, that is sooo nice. We can read along. (and we have been.)

Sunday morning I wake up with a nice sore knee, no bending. Hobble from bed to couch and bathroom. No walking today! Around 4 my asthma starts acting up. Ok rescue inhaler. It works for an hour and then I start coughing and my breathing starts up again. WTH? Around 8 I take some prednisone, but I am still up all night going round and round with the rescue inhaler and coughing. (finally figured out-tree outside our back door must have been doing its thing and we had the door open for 2 days). I finally fall asleep about an hour and half before alarm goes off Monday morning. Uh, no work.

Tuesday morning I wake up with swollen hot spots on my right leg, Cellulitis. This is something I don't mess with-caused sepsis infection a few years ago and I almost lost my right leg. Yesterday still hot and swollen. Fever broke last night. I didn't even know I was running a fever until I woke up with the sheets and pillow case soaked!

The only place I have gone is to MC and PT. Good news is only two more weeks of PT. Shoulder and neck are 100% better. I didn't even get smidge of headach when rain was coming through!!! And I can move my head/neck all around without it being so tight!! And my back is looser too!!!

MC is going along too. B is learning that he is not the only one who matters. That my hurts are deep and from long ago. This weeks homework is unique in that his is different from mine. His is to develope and actively pursue an individual friendship separate from me. He was told flat out that I CANNOT BE HIS ONLY SUPPORT NETWORK. My homework is to determine what 'alone time' looks like to me. We also discussed 5 languages of love. B NEEDS "touch" and "words of affirmation". Lots of words of affirmation. I don't need either half as much. He said quality time also, I told the MC that he needs "time", that he needed quantity vs quality. B didn't like it very much. Then MC started digging into what caused the problem to volcano. And she pointed out that I tend to hold things in, then explode. Yup. So, how long has this part of the volcano been building. Uh, well, some release 3 years ago, but that wasn't much, then a little more talking. When B got the job in DC, I lost all of my real support. The people I could call to say, "hey can I come over for a little bit?' The ones who knew what he was like, and would let me just sit on the corner of the couch and we would talk about everything else at time. Or I would run around with them. Just be away from B for abit. And all would be ok. Maybe not the best way to handle everything, but it worked. These were the people that I knew who I could call at 1 in the morning, or who not to call! LOL!! Yet, B had his support-cause I was all of it.

And then finally there was that series of evenings when he listed everything I had done wrong that he hadn't gotten mad at. And I blew.

But, you know, that's not what the anger is at. The anger is at that 'he took me away from my family.' All my support was gone and I had noone to turn to for help. And I wanted him to get this job, it was the best thing for his career, for him. What a circle. The anger is still inside of me for that, I need to let go of that for me. Its not his fault. Not for that anyway. He didn't know this part of me. His faults are getting addressed too. But this part is mine.

So I have to look at it. Yes, angry and hurt. His answer was, well, the Church is here too. And I cried, but its not the same home church. I am not at home there. The MC knew what I meant. And she told him to listen to what I was saying because that is what he was not doing. And he needed to start doing-he needed to start supporting MY feelings too.

Then she says that in a few weeks she will be starting EMRD treatments with B. (she had B describe his childhood throughout this). And that it was going to be painful, but would be worth it in the end. B agreed to it. She said that she will offer me some of the treatments also, but it seems that I have dealt with my past for the most part. And that I am dealing with it as I need to, not burying it. And she also told B to start journaling as things come up.

The only down side, I now have to change my crochet night. Counseling will be every Thursday at 8. So 3rd Thursday crocheting is out. We have to find a new night!!