decadence2 [ˈdekədəns] noun
the state of having low or incorrect standards of behavior; immorality

divinity di-vin-i-tee noun, plural
the quality of being divine; divine nature.

Remember the night before you turned 16, falling asleep and thinking “When I wake up I will be 16 and everything will be different!” Well thank heavens that didn’t happen to me this morning when I woke up and was thirty! I did feel a fleeting bit of age when it took 20 minutes for all my body parts to generate some feeling as they had all decided to sleep in this morning even though I wanted to jump out of bed. Actually a feeling of relief washed over me, I made it to thirty, if you know me every single past one of my birthdays have been shadowed with anxiety, everyone thought this was because I didn’t want to get older, age means very little to me, I’ve felt old since I was born, at any rate, a phantom angst clouded every single birthday; but not this one, aside from my body parts not being to excited about getting older, mentally I feel the best I have ever felt.

Looking back over the last ten years of my life, I wanted to summarize what I’ve done. I’m a bit ashamed to admit; about 98% of what I’ve done is work. I’m not kidding, work. I mean yes I’m a Capricorn and we are workers by nature, stoic perfectionist, but really, have I worked that much? Yes. I have. I went back through years and years of journals and that’s really all I did. Ok so I did a lot of crying and drinking too, the last five years have been especially difficult with losing so much of my family. At any rate, I’ve worked my ass off. I do have quite a bit to show for it, my horse training business and grown, I have a job I love, a wonderful man in my life,and the friends I have I can place my life into their hands with trust.

So that leaves two percent for divine and decadence. I won’t say equal parts of the above either. I have had more than my fair share of decadence, and learned a great deal about divinity though it will be an ever advancing education for me.

Luckily I’ve managed to learn a few things as well. I know precisely when to stop drinking in order to have fun and not make a fool out of myself, I know that I can’t wear 4 inch heels every day at work anymore, I know I will anyways even if it cripples me because I am stubborn, I know that I can’t take everything and anything personal, I have learned not matter how badly I want to fix someone or something, I can’t always have my way. And lastly I know I am exactly where I am supposed to be and it’s a fantastic place indeed.

So the birthday angst is gone. I feel relieved; finally I can enjoy my day. And made a pact with myself to perhaps do less work, ok or at least work smarter not harder? Or maybe just a bit of balance? That’s a tough goal for me, but I’m willing to ‘work harder” at playing more! At any rate, I’m delighted I made it this far, and am more excited than ever about what’s around the next corner of my life!