What my years have brought me…
“One must still have enough chaos within one’s self to give birth to a dancing star.” Fredrich Neistchke

I let the whole month of January go with out writing a single word. January is a haunted month, or so it used to be… Maybe it will be again one day but it seems this year I conquered it. January 3rd is my dad’s birthday. Five years ago my dad passed away on January 28th. I silently let the day pass this year, holding his memory in my heart and my head but not letting my lips speak the words, I just held it close, but I did not hold my breath. I did not hold in my tears, I just breathed and waited – yet none came. Memories flooded my mind, yet my dreams didn’t have shadows of the last haunted month in them. I miss him as much as I always have, that has not changed, it will never change. But I will survive.

My birthday is in January as well. I turned 32 this year. An age that when I was 18 seemed as unlikely as my father passing away. 32 came with many gifts, things I have carried with me all along but the years finally gave me the ability to see. One of which is recognizing my weaknesses, the places in my life that I need to improve, my blind spots, my “projects”. My 20’s were blinders to these weaknesses; as a result I suffered for them. Now oddly after looking at them, speaking them, what is my weakness has now become somewhere I am fond of going even on a day when the sun above does not shine on me.

Most of all I have learned that I am ok the way I am, it does not mean I stay here, it does not mean I do not work on my “projects” it just means that finally long last I can say “I am human, I came here with lessons to learn and I am ready to get out my books and study.”

I have learned so much. That when I vacation while I like to get off the beaten path; yet I also like room service. That I am just as fetching in dirty work boots as I am in stiletto heels. That I can ride like a demon possessed but I ride best when I listen softly and tread lightly with my horses. That I am a talented writer who has found it easier to dream a big dream of a book that actually write the book and deal with what writing the book brings as a reality. That I am a good teacher, perhaps a better teacher than rider, and that is something I am willing to cherish. That I can love someone more than I love myself and it makes me stronger. That I am afraid of some things, things that I have always been afraid of and may always may afraid of and that is okay, I don’t have to slay all my demons RIGHT NOW! That I don’t want fame, I want my message spread to as many people who will listen to me on this planet. That every single person who does listen to me is more of a messenger than I am.

That my friends are my family and some of them I love more than my family. That if I do not write my book my desire to do so will grow inside me like a disease.

So January came, I breathed silently, I waited for a hard day to come, and it did not. They all passed with ease. One thing is for certain, the years have given me a strength that I did not know I was capable of having. And lastly. I can finally FINALLY say out loud, that I am proud of myself. Finally. And that was the best Birthday gift of all.