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Sistani Love
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That's tips from the hottest ayatollah in Iraq (via Matt Yglesias):

Question: My question is, what does the holy book Quran and prophet Mohammad (pbuh) say about anal sex even if the wife agrees to experience this with her husband?

Thank you

Answer: As deduced from narration anal sex is permissible; but it is strongly undesirable. Permission is bound to wife’s agreement and consent to anal sex. If she is not consenting, it would be impermissible.

Strongly undesirable? Speak for yourself, big guy!

Question: When I am unable to do Muta’h (temporary marriage), am I allowed to masturbate?

Answer: Masturbation is not permissible under any circumstances.

An ideology that doesn't let you grope yourself for fun? Who in the hell would want to be a part of that?

Question: I am really sorry that I have to ask this type of Question. But Since I grew up in a western country; I rally don't much about our religion. And I can't ask this Question to my parents due to subject matter. Brother my question is, can we have an oral sex before or after the sexual intercourse or can we have oral sex at all? Is it haram?

Answer: Oral sex act is permissible with the consent of both husband and wife provided that no liquid gets into the mouth.

No liquid gets into the mouth? I guess if a guy goes down on his wife, they have to break out the Saran Wrap. Though I'm guessing that they're taking for granted that by oral sex, they're talking about the woman giving, in which case the prohibition against liquid in the mouth is probably a relief to most of the Muslim ladies.

But what I really want to know about is what sort of seafood is acceptable for Muslims:

Question: I want to know which sea animals are halal and which ones are not?

Answer: Of all sea animals only those are halal that have scales, the rest are haram except for the shrimp which is halal too.

The acceptability of seafood is contingent on whether or not something has scales or an exoskeleton. Nice.

Somebody want to try to argue that religions aren't just fucking ridiculous?

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