So I got the first season of Kung Fu, the TV series, on DVD over the Christmas break.

I was a big fan of the series when I was a kid, and most of the episodes hold up pretty well. But one of them in particular is funny as hell, for the wrong reasons.

You remember that Star Trek: The Next Generation episode where there's an alien that speaks only in metaphor? Well there's a first season Kung Fu episode, "The Soul is the Warrior", in which damn near everyone speaks like that.

Some samples:

You know, a zoo full o' women wouldn't ask your questions, so state your business.

Paw named you a foreman. You want to be a mother you should get yerself a bonnet and a bible.

Mush and a mess o' wind.

Had a face that belonged in a bridle.

I'm gonna push you, slanty-man, til your brains come to order. Then I figure you'll tell me where to find your kin. And I'm gonna be there all liver and lightning.

You know how we figure he's older than the rocks? Well an antelope couldn'ta jumped higher or sweeter.

Son, you pound sand into him, you're bound to get grit.
Not this one, paw. He don't say more than a blink.

Beatin' on a dead frog don't make a fight of it.

If he don't stink of death, I never saw a carcass.

You mix the red and white, you got a burned bear, dancing on cactus, and that'd be me.

Okay...and that's in the first ten minutes. I swear, this episode has a higher MPM (Metaphors Per Minute) quotient than any TV in the past 50 years. If you can find one higher, I'll kiss your left knee and swear into next week.

Seriously, an idiom is supposedly a phrase that's made it into the language through repeated usage, but some of these things are so queer they truly are head-scratchers.

If you get a chance to see this one, have a look...man, it's as funny as a chicken dancing on a fudge-covered ant hill.