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Jeepers Creepers
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The attack of the creepy crawlies continues. This morning a monstrous black beetle was hiding in ambush next to the washing machine. I grabbed the first weapon to hand -- a can of Raid Flying Insect Spray -- and blasted it with enough poison to peel the paint off the linoleum.

The horror shook the poison from its mandibles and scuttled under the washer. I bent down to investigate and it came at me from the other side. I shot it again. This time I kept my finger on the button.

The poison was designed to take out flying nasties, but a bug's a bug, and I was using the heavy duty spray, with enough muzzle velocity to knock a white-faced hornet out of the air at a range of five feet. The force of the blast lifted the beetle up and threw it back against the side of washer where it finally lay still. Maybe it broke its carapace. Maybe it drowned.

These bugs are getting to me. A few days ago, on the way to the shower, I was greeted by a huge spider hanging from the curtain in front of the water heater's niche. Just what you need to see when you walk into the bathroom naked -- an arachnid as big as your thumb.

This terror was at least 4 inches end to end, with a obscenely huge, bulbous body. I'd exchanged pleasantries with his great grandfather a couple of years ago. Which is to say, I'd had to hammer him five times with my shoe. The present spider could've put up a good fight against a tarantula. As for a skinny, naked guy without even a shoe...

I backed away, found my trusty bug spray, and soaked the intruder. He sauntered out of sight behind the curtain. There are few sights more hideous than an 8-legged saunter. I heard him trot across the top of the water heater. However, the poison must have taken effect, because he didn't return that evening. Or the next.

Maybe, with his dying breath, he'd sent the black beetle after me.

Probably that's just my imagination. But I'm jumpy. This morning I sprayed a menacing scrap of a lettuce leaf on the floor in front of the refrigerator. Stopped it in its tracks too.

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