I have decided that Christmas break, when you're in law school, is much like the eye of the hurricane. There is all this frenetic activity and stress and studying and scheduling and worrying and wondering and still stressing and more studying and where did that question come froming and did you have enough time for that testing and how could he expect us to know thating that comes with the end of the fall semester, and then there is nothing. There is nothing you can do about anything past, and there is nothing you can do for the upcoming semester. So you coast. You sort of relax. You are lulled into a false sense of calm.

And then the new semester begins. And there is the scurrying of purchasing new books, and the scurrying of dealing with last moment schedule changes, and the worrying about what grades you've received in the last semester, and the wondering of whether or not you should sign up for an additional class or two just in case, and the how could they expect us to read all that before the first class are they nuts-ing about professors...

And you either love it or you hate it. And for over twenty years now, I have consistently loved going to school, going to classes, learning... But I needed a break. I needed that year after college that I took and worked at the winery full time. I needed the space where I got to enjoy just doing and completing work, and didn't have to take the work home with me, because it would be there in the morning when I came back, unchanged. Physical work. I needed the challenge of getting the vines tied up before the rains knocked them flat, and the grapes picked before they rotted off the vines. Small challenges, with obvious completion points, definite success or failure. Challenges you can see and smell and taste.

And I still love school. But I find myself wishing I could go back to working in the fields, and worrying about the fermentation, and talking to customers to find out what kind of wine they really liked instead of what they had heard about on television. There is something very satisfying about that kind of work, satisfaction of a sort you don't find in academia. It makes me want to go back.

I also know that I can't do this right now. There are other things I want, that I can't do by simply working at the winery. I know that ultimately, working at the winery, at least now, will not bring me what I want in life. I still miss it, though.

Classes have started again, my final semester of law school. (God willing and the Creek don't rise.) Actually, despite it all, I feel pretty good right now. It's exciting again, and fun again, as if the thought "final" has given me new energy. I'm looking forward to my classes. I'm enjoying stepping into the whirlwind, and hoping I can keep my feet. (And I've learned the tricks, too--my shoes are indeed lined with lead.) I don't want to figure out what I'm going to do next. I'm just going to worry about finishing this first.

And that feels like a pretty good plan right now.