Before I went to law school I weighed 165 lbs. I'm 5'10", and even then I vaguely wished I could lose "some weight." I know I was in a good physical place for me -- when I first started back to school I was amazed that I could go right up the PRT steps at the med-center without even being winded. Maybe I could have ideally been 10 lbs lighter, but I remember that I did feel good, if not as confident as I should have been.

In law school, I went from a fairly active lifestyle (working out at the winery) to a very sedentary, high stress, and busy one (law-school while working at a computer lab at least 20 hours a week, as well as having other stressful events occur). I didn't cook for myself very often, and when I did it was the fastest and easiest pre-packaged foods I could find (a habit I still have, though I've become pickier.) Three things I think were notable concerning law school and my weight-related health: 1) I went from 165 to about 160 pounds in the first few months of school, then to about 190 by the end of the three years of law school (I can't be exact, it may even have peaked in the middle of law school rather than at the end, I didn't really chronicle it: I remember hitting 188 on the scale and being afraid to look after that...and I remember stepping on the scale at the end of long day once and seeing 192 and not stepping on again for nearly two years), 2) I had the first of a series of debilitating back pains, where I woke up one morning and at first could not walk because of the lower back spasms, bouts of this occurred three more times in law school, always when coming up on high stress periods, and 3) I went from being a size 12 who could often wear a size 10 to a size 14 who could not even squeeze herself into a size 12.

Now I note that my own language here is coming across, at least to me, as a bit negative. Really, I didn't feel unattractive -- or any more unattractive than I ever do. (I imagine most of us have our insecurities about that at times.) I didn't feel always feel *good* though. I also question how much difference it really made to my appearance: I'm sure it did, but I never saw it myself, aside from personal concerns about my growing buddha-belly. (It was a lot of weight to gain so quickly, I even have little stretch marks from it.)

I have to note that I started dating Sean in July of 2002, just after my second year of law school. Now, I'd known him as an acquaintance for years before that, but I feel shyly flattered to think that he was interested in me when I was at my less than most stellar physically. When you have someone who calls you beautiful at any weight you've been, it makes it harder to feel unattractive. ;)

After I graduated, I nearly immediately lost some weight, I have no exact concept of how much (a few pounds, I suspect). I was eating less fast food, both because I had more time and because I was trying harder to save some money. But I noticed because there was a point I thought I'd need to move up yet another size in clothing, but then everything fit okay again. Also, I started feeling better.

After about a year and a half or so, I lost nearly 10 lbs without even thinking about it, just because of the lifestyle change (less stress, more time). I was still very sedentary, still not eating a lot of fresh foods, but at one point I know I stepped on the scale I had avoided for quite a long time, fearing the numbers I would see, and having my weight be 183. I was shocked -- really, I had lost weight without even trying. I wondered vaguely what would happen if I did try.

I didn't try very hard, because I didn't want to disappoint myself. I have this feeling, even now, that if I try too hard, think about it too much, I'll have the opposite happening.

Last summer I kept a food diary for all of about two weeks. I still think it was the best thing I've ever done. Being aware of where empty or unnecessary calories are coming from, knowing whether or not I was getting some of the nutrients I needed, finding out how much fiber I was or was not getting, these were invaluable to me. So here I am three years after law school ended (has it been so long?) and I'm at 174 lbs (or so), still about 10 lbs heavier than when I started law school (but almost 6 years older, and not nearly as active as I was then, for whatever that means). I doubt I have the discipline for a real "diet", but I like the idea that each year I can make one healthy change, and it can make a noticeable long-term difference. And my clothes aren't fitting as they should--I'll need to go out soon and see if I can wear that size 12 again.

I think it's unfortunate that we are inundated with unrealistic numbers and goals. One of the things I remember being a big deal in law school was not to share your grades with anyone -- you never knew who was going to be spreading the information around to your detriment. It fostered a horrible feeling of distrust and competition with your classmates, and I've often felt that we as women do the same thing with weight. Oh, I've lied about my weight many a time, though not once in this journal entry. But everytime we lie, everytime we drop our actual weight by 5 or 10 pounds, we make it that much more unrealistic for someone else.

I remember in high school at 140 lbs despairing because the rule I heard was 100 lbs at 5 feet and 3 lbs for every inch thereafter. I called myself 5'9", and couldn't see how I'd ever weigh 127 lbs...5'10" and 130 wouldn't have been much better. And since I was one of the tallest girls in the class, I always felt like a bit of a horse anyway. (Having red curly hair didn't help me blend in any.)

Watching television and movies, it is unbelievable how small some of the women are, but these are our role models, our archetypes of beauty. Nicole Kidman is a 5'10" red head, so I tried googling for her weight, as a comparative. The number I found was 120 lbs. Now I also found an interview where she comments on how she's always been thin, to the point of people commenting on whether or not it was healthy, but never once watching her in a movie did I think her unnaturally thin--would I in real life? Or would I be just as unquestioning? (And of course, this is all from the internet, so the number is very unreliable.) Liv Tyler, also 5'10", supposedly dropped to about 125 for her role as Arwen, but typically weighs about 150 again according to the internet -- and she's been noted in the media for not trying to mold herself to the Hollywood hyped image. (Or burned, with comments about how she could get more roles if she'd embrace being a waif.) Again, I must be an uncritical viewer, my first thought on seeing Liv Tyler in the LotR was *not* that she was 25 pounds lighter than I'd seen her before...so how important were those pounds really? Why couldn't she play Arwen at 150 lbs?

I have to wonder -- according to this doctor's pages on the web, which I've found very interesting tonight, the average weight of a 5'10" woman (at my age) is 169 lbs. What would a woman of that weight look like on t.v.? Would she seem huge?

Here are the pages from that doctor's site I've found helpful or interesting:

Body Mass Index Calculator
Better Ideal Weight Calculations
Met Life Ideal Weight Tables (a critical discussion)

As for me? I'll be thrilled, and I think feel my best, when I get back to the 165 I feel like I started at...and maybe then I can lose 5 lbs or so. :)