I am trying to be positive. To get up in the morning and shake off the grumpiness, the soreness, and think to myself, "Today will be a good day." This morning I even dressed up a little bit, wearing a dark red knit sweater that's so loosely knit (perhaps it is crochet, actually) that I have to wear a tank top underneath (though Tim thinks it would look better sans any foundation, of course) over my new black yoga pants. I feel kind of urban and cool, and it helps my outlook. If I had had a haircut and color recently, I might even feel hip today.

I told Tim this morning that I wanted to try to make it into the gym at least twice next week and he started. He pointed out that it's such a big change in routine, but assured me he supported it. It worried me, as I'm now afraid of failling to meet this goal. It's basically giving over two of my evenings to physical fitness and extra BART rides. I have been very tired lately, and when I think about it, this seems like a bad idea.

Then I read Jenn's latest entry and it strengthened my resolve. Exercise eventually makes you feel better. I know this -- I have done this in my past -- but it's going to be a slow process getting back to that point. I also have to hope for a window of good health and that exercise won't make me throw up again.

Yeah.

There were three loud explosions/ bright flashes right outside our front windows last night. The first knocked out our power and sent me scooching along the couch, grabbing for Tim's hand. By the third we were huddling in the hallway, away from the windows in case they blew in on us. I was terrified, shaking and not able to blink back tears, and I realized that I'm much more afraid than I used to be. In the past, I've always kept a cool head until I was sure me and mine were out of danger before crying, but last night I was clutching at Tim. I'm hoping this will pass, that it's just a side effect of so much going wrong for me lately that I'm terrified of another bad thing happening. I'm sure it will happen, and we will deal with it. I just need to get back the feeling that I can cope with everything.

I can, actually. That's what today's about. That's what the snazzy sweater and still unfaded black pants are about. With-it. Mentally aware. I can deal.

Yeah, um, ok. I think that's enough navel gazing for an entry.