So much to write about.


*****


The past 30 days haven't been my finest. I've felt stagnant. Stagnancy = stale, stinky, lack of movement or advancement.

This type of stagnancy has happened to me before when I had to allow 30 days to pass between clinical trials. I should've been better prepared this time. But it happened again. Stagnancy crept into my days because nothing was happening - not even a placebo was swallowed.

As I wrote to a dear friend this morning, "Depression crawled under my skin and blistered my thoughts."

It wasn't *hide the razorblades* depression. I was sulky and cranky and grumpy. (I've *hidden* some of my posts that were written during this cranky period.) I invited bad habits into my days and nights. I stopped eating my usual healthy choices. I stopped my treadmill routine. The bad choices made it worse!

I pouted.


*****

Yesterday I had a long and wonderful day at Vanderbilt in the Pulmonary Clinic and then the Clinical Research Center (CRC).

While at the Clinic many of the white-coated passersby cheerfully noted, "Big day today!" Well, it was, indeed, but their cheerfulness was a head-scratcher for me. It was a little bit over-the-top but, hey, I was liking it!

The Pulmonary Clinic generally is a cheerful place. Well, at least I'm cheerful and that makes those in my orbit cheerful - we feed off each other.

I don't know how they do it - the cheerfulness. For God's sake - I've seen the other patients - so many of them are grim and gloomy. I think the Clinic researchers are amazing!


*****


Two people from the Pulmonary Clinic had just returned from a conference in San Diego. Heck, I'd be jovial, too.

Oops, I'd better give some back story:

Yesterday I had an infusion of Fibrogen's FG-3019 - true drug. I've been on FG-3019 true drug before (Phase 2 cohort 2) for one year, I believe - I should've reviewed my facts before typing this. After completing the study, I wasn't eligible to continue. I was so disappointed, but bounced into a study with Bristol Myers Squibb, which I completed 30ish days ago.

Back-Back Story: This past December I stumbled across a press release regarding FG-3019 and Fibrogen's decision to open Phase 2a. I was stunned. It was late at night and it was so unlikely that I'd come across the article - it's one of those mystical shaggy dog stories that doesn't need repeating. My very first reaction was, "They will want me - I've become a remarkably valuable participant because of my clinical trial history."

And I was right. I was so right.

Interestingly enough, I also qualified for continued studies with Pirfenidone. Over the years I've heard so much about Pirfenidone - everything so very seductive... but for some reason, I had reservations. I so completely trust the research people at Vanderbilt, but knew they couldn't make the decision for me. I had some angst-filled moments, but decided to enter the Fibrogen study... and am so grateful.

There are many reasons I know I made the right choice, but this very week I had my FG-3019 infusion, Fibrogen also had a press release with AMAZING data. What a validation!


*****


At the recent conference in San Diego, the Fibrogen people were interested in knowing more about me... the person. I guess I'm no longer just a number - perhaps they're factoring in demographics and stuff like that? It was all conversational - they just wanted to know about me. I'm sure I got a *gold star* report. :) I'm positive. Forward thinking. I don't whine with *why me*. I started a part time job this past January, travel to see my grandchildren, I drove from Monteagle to Northern Virgina for an engagement celebration, and then returned to Virginia for two fabulous graduations - I do and I go as best possible. I laugh a lot. And then I laugh some more.

I live alone but instead of being negative about that, I allow myself to feel empowered. I believe that taking care of myself makes me stronger. Doing it all alone isn't easy, but I have no choice.


*****


It was a long day. When I have my FG-3019 infusions, I'm given a private room with a private nurse and lunch is delivered. I enjoy watching Cable TV except I still get riled when I see whiny-pants-people carry on about wanting double sinks in bathrooms and stainless steel appliances. As if...

I tried to sleep but every time I dozed, the machine I was hooked up to made annoying blasts. Gah. Adding the seconds together, I got a proper cat nap of 1 minute, which was enough to get me home.


*****


It's Memorial Day Weekend. I plan to write to my former mother-in-law tomorrow. Her short term memory is shot, and that's just fine because we go way back. It was while in the embrace of her family that I finally had a family. While some members dragged themselves to annual events, I was the eager one ready to jump into the car and hang my head out the window, panting with unleashed gratefulness.

Memorial Day was a day when several families gathered - friends of my in-laws and children and grandchildren. It was a tradition that was followed for many, many years.

Mrs. Dickpeddie always brought potato salad. One year we made the mistake of joshing about it, and after that, we could never convince her that we were only teasing and that she made the best potato salad ever, ever. The twinkle in her eye and her exaggerated protests and the very fact that she continued to bring her marvelous potato salad... well, she made a memory for me and I think I'll share that with my mother-in-law. I think she'll like that.

*****

Memorial Day has evolved into something different for me over the years. As much as I miss the annual picnic with family (which included WWII veterans) this year I have a son in active duty. This year I'll be thinking about First Lieutenant David Bean. I'm so proud of him. I'm so proud that he has been commissioned to serve our country... and to protect the freedoms we are so fortunate to have.

I think sometimes people get so caught up in their isms that they forget the luxury of freedom they have - the lives lost, the lives at risk so they can continue to enjoy freedoms... even if it's the freedom to whine about stainless steel appliances or double bathroom sinks. :)

Freedom. Please think about it.





Four of our Finest - I am so proud of my son and all those who stand with him.

*****

Thanks for listening.