So where am I these days? I have tried twice to finish my thoughts about my rage against society, unsuccessfully...

Essentially, my mood is being changed on a hourly basis due to the smallest of influences. But who doesn't feel like a leper when you walk down a crowded street and everyone else is holding hands? How can you not feel alone when you see a woman blissfully clutching a flower her boyfriend has just given her? I not trying to deny the impulse, but rather to follow the impulse to the source, pick-up the source, shake it like a rag doll, set it back down, and expect that any more of that impulse crap will result in much worse than a shaking (long sentence).

Sure, all of you budding pyscologists out there will note that I may have some anger issues, but I assure you, it is just for illustrative purposes.

But relationships are the easy one! Money, success, independance, comfort... that really gets to me. How much of my wants are imposed by society, and how many of them are mine? I am pretty sure I would like to own a Jet Ski some day... I never saw that as a symbol of success or prestige, but I just think it would be fun...

What about a car? How about money for expensive meals? How about money to travel, and why?

And space? Space is a luxury in Japan, and to a lesser extent, the rest of the world (not talking about India, I am sure it is worse than Japan). And I definately feel more comfortable when I have space and nature around me. Now I grew-up in a beautiful big house with a great peace of land, so it is really no surprise that I yearn for something similar, but how much of that is my core of need or want or happiness?

So where is the line between my innate needs and the wants and pulls and pushes of society?

So, I always play it safe. I always look down the path with my perfect eyesight and project all the possibilities until I am left with the knowledge to survive better than average... but more often than not, I am not conscious of this darwinistic process... my mind just does the work and I couldn't stop it even if I tried, and I have tried. As I have said previously, perhaps the only way around this process is through the consumption of alcohol or drugs. However, as one might guess, this kind of mentality will not allow the consumption of drugs for obvious reasons, and the consumption of alcohol will only ever reach a certain level. But in that, I have comfort (despite the discomfort) in knowing that knowing is better than avoiding... follow?

But never before have I entertained the idea of pitting the reasoning beast against my desire to not reason... if you think it sounds like a catch 22, well, you're right, but I am going to give it a whirl...

So this means, that I guess I will try to methodically try not to be methodical... and perhaps lose my mind in the process... but it should be a good show...

For instance, I have decided not to take a full-time job. Instead, I will be contacting every casting, modeling, and narration/voiceover agency I can find in Tokyo. I am choosing something I have no control over, like finding work based on my looks and voice, something which is completely subjective, and I will be attacking this idea methodically. But I will not be taking the safe road... living paycheck to paycheck (so to speak, I still have a nice chuck of savings).

The goal, is to increase the learning, as with most new endevours I entertain. However, it will truly be interesting to see how my intellect treats the helplessness of not knowing where or when your next job is coming from... he he he, should be interesting!

-continued-