I participated in a day of silence at my church yesterday. I had signed up for it a couple of months ago when they were introducing the Adult RE (Religious Education) programs for the spring "semester" and it sounded like a good idea at the time. I'm game for almost anything new that I haven't tried and I thought, "what the heck...I'll give it a go."

So I woke up early, a sacrifice for me these days, watched a little war coverage and was determined to get a few errands in before the day at the church. So I returned my cable converter (I've finally joined the land of the satellite dish and TIVO!),stopped at the vet to get J & M & D & D some Science Diet, and stopped at Angela's Cafe on Inwood to grab me a bite to eat (I'd heard about this place in the Guide a couple of months ago and I've been trying to find an excuse to try it ever since) before my day of silence began.

I arrived at the church early and instead of deciding what to bring to the day, I just brought my whole 'book bag.' My book bag is something I carry back and forth to work everyday. It contains various magazines, books, newspaper articles that Sherry gives me, a couple of data CDs, a few floppy disks, MaryAnn's PIF and Burke Presby's CIF, pictures of Jessie and Joey and Caroline, my daytimer which has my bills and important info, and a couple of gum wrappers, crumbs from various breakfast, lunches and dinners that I've consumed in the car, etc.

I brought the book bag, along with Chris Hedges' book War is a Force that Gives Us Meaning and Anne Lamott's book Bird by Bird , as well as my New Yorker Desk Diary that I carry everywhere, with the latest copy of the New Yorker stashed away, just in case I have a minute to read the cartoons, or the most interesting sounding article that I can find.

So there I go...into the church....loaded down...bag lady in training!

We start the day with the facilitator whispering the agenda for the day, but telling us this is our day and we don't have to follow an agenda at all, if we don't want to. Then we go into the silence. Our charge, if we want to accept it, is to find 'intention' for our meditation. Oooh, that's a hard one for me. So much intention...so little time.

So I mulled this over for awhile and finally settled on "I am enough" which was the theme of a sermon that I listened to lately. I lit a candle for the sand garden (the fourth one to be lit, as that's my lucky number) and then continued to be silent for the rest of the first hour, as I watched everyone else, eyes closed, really getting into it...alot better than me, I was sure!

When everyone started to leave for various other areas of the church "campus" for activities that had been laid out for us (art, clay, sewing, nature trails, food, green tea, yoga, etc.), I stayed in the chapel that we'd started out in and proceeded to organize my book bag, and read yesterday's mail that I had been carrying around for a whole 24 hours. Already I was blowing it! Maybe "I am enough, as long as I have my mail read" should have been my meditation intention.

Anyway, once I got through that, I decided to lighten my load. I took my book bag back to my car and decided I'd only carry around my 2 books, my New Yorker Desk Diary (with the latest issue of The New Yorker) and the packet the facilitators gave us. I was ready to get serious now!

I went to the church library and read the long intro to the "War" book and then it was time for yoga. Since I was already there, I got down on the floor with the rest of the participants and for the next hour I inhaled and exhaled and stretched and posed and generally really got into it. I really like yoga and everytime I do it, I vow to do it more regularly.

By the time that was over, I was pretty mellowed out and ready to just go with the flow. I read a little more and then it was time for lunch. It was wonderful...all the stuff I like...breads, salads, tea, you know, Cafe Express kind of stuff!

I tried eating my lunch outside, but it was a little chilly, so I ended up in the parsonage in a room with about 5 other people. This was the hardest part of the day for me, as I sat there with these other people and just thought it was so strange that we weren't conversing. I always seem to be the one, if no one else will do it, to start conversations when I'm with a group, so I just had to keep shoving food in my mouth. Finally I found a graceful way to leave the room so I didn't have to deal with my strange feelings of not bringing this silent group together in conversation!

Then it was time to read again, and then we all went into the sanctuary and had another facilitated meditation. The girl that led this one said that she found it hard to be still when she meditates so she proceeded to help us relax, one body part at a time. I think the whole group got so relaxed that I'll call this the "sleeping" meditation, as I'm pretty sure the breathing I heard was snoring and not just simple exhaling and inhaling! Maybe this is what this meditation thing is really all about, I thought. Just a good nap after lunch.

After this, the day was almost over. I had a few more minutes to read the Bird book intro, and then we met as a group "to leave the silence and go back into our day" in the parsonage living room. We planted seeds (either Basil or Sunflower) in little styrofoam cups (not very Unitarian, I was thinking) and then we evaluated the day. I gave the day good marks/myself failing ones.

Oh yes, I was silent, but I'm thinking that maybe I didn't have the deep, inward thinking, revelatory day that most had. So what is wrong with me? I used to be such an achiever!!

And then it hit me. Maybe I'm finally OK with my life. Maybe I don't have some flaw that I want to fix, some child that I want to fix, some man that I want to fix, me that I want to fix.

Maybe I'm finally getting it. Maybe I'm finally living and breathing and believing what my friend Red in Houston always said...that "everything everywhere is alright already."

In the silence, or in the Metallica/Rage Against the Machine/heavy metal loudness, I'm OK with my life right now. And more importantly to me, I'm OK with Jill right now.

If it took this day at the church to help me realize this, then it was a day well spent!