Cash is such a wonderful medium.

Without indulging in a Greenspan-esque diatribe, I must insist that the implementation of a fundamental system of economics is the cornerstone by which a cultures' level of sophistication may be measured. In a moderately advanced civilization, one may count on certain empirical certainties. Goods and services have a known factor of desirability and usefullness. This "desire factor" is directly proportionate to the worth of an item, and its relative value. With the introduction of a common currency, these goods and services may be quantified to within a certain base value which in turn is compared with the amount of work required to obtain the currency needed to impliment a mutually beneficial trade. A known system of general worth is then established, allowing one to make reasonable, informed, purchasing decisions. Everyone knows that a loaf of bread has a perfectly acceptable ratio of 1-3 dollars per loaf--depending of course upon the quality of the ingredients--and understands the amount of labor necessary to obtain sufficient funding for its purchase.

We have established price estimates for almost all goods and services in our society, allowing us to enter into purchasing contracts as informed members of an ethical, fair-trade consumerage.

Therefore, in the interest of further enlightenment, I would like to propose that from here on out, all sexual organs be examined and valued by their relative worth to a prospective purchaser. Yes, you have it right. I want price tags on all dicks and pussies.

Do you know how many relationships this could have saved? It would be so nice to see a prospective mate, someone who seems ideal and with whom you have a wonderful time, and be able to examine the price tag before you, "closed escrow," if you know what I mean. The price tag would read something like this--I envision it being very much akin to the sticker on a new car, mind you--Base Model: $150.00. Special Features: Aerobics and pelvic control: $3000.00. Length/Width and or diameter: $2000.00.

And, then of course, certain items would necessitate listing due to the truth in advertising laws:

Post-coital psychotic episodes.
Endless comparisons to previous renters.
Inability to exist on own for more than four hours at a time.
Jewish guilt.
Premature ejaculation.
Non-exclusivity of contract.
Lease option.

But you see what I mean? You could go into a relationship as an informed consumer. I want to see articles on the newest models coming out of Jr. College, damn it!

I mean, the laws of economics already apply in many ways. In a saturated market, the value decreases. For a scarce commodity, the price rarely balances with the actual value. With this system implemented, we'd be able to tell right up front if the merchant was trying to take us for a ride. (No pun intended.) And best of all, one could never again sell "used," for "New!"

So, in the interest of fair trade for fair value, I'd like to suggest that one shouldn't demand more than fair compensation for value given. If you can't stand on your own two feet, then by all means do us all a favor and stay off of your back. Oh, and one more thing: It's a biological organ, not the holy-fucking-grail, and you are certainly not divine in the granting of its use.

So for all of you who expect your lover/boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse to put up with your bullshit, I have news:

It's a free market economy. Buyers vote with their feet.

Happy shopping!

Joseph Haines, signing off from The Edge of The Abyss