If you'll remember, I had just given the were-bitch the old heave-ho, was sitting back in the bar, and thinking.

Now, in spite of the fact that we, as a nation have paid lip service to equality between the sexes for quite some time--it's been over thirty years since the first major push for an Equal Rights Amendment to the Constitution--we still have a huge gap to bridge. In some ways, men have distinct advantages. Women have others. None of them go very far toward creating a society where your worth is dependent upon your actions instead of your genitalia.

If I hold the same job as a woman--with certain notable exceptions such as waiter/waitress or stripper--I will make more money. It's the nature of the beast that when it comes to payment for services, men are still viewed in the traditional role of bread-winner and are paid according to a percieved notion of providing for a wife and family. When the thought of payment goes toward a woman, she is paid from the percieved notion of shopping at Nordstroms. (And really, how much can she really need to buy? Her husband will pay for the rent and food . . .) This sounds barbaric, and it is, but it is true, nonetheless.

Where men get the short end of the stick is in social interaction. Women who party hard are fun girls. Men are drunks. Women are audacious flirts. Men are letches. (The notable exception being men are debonaire, women are sluts.)

Oh yes, and if a man and a woman disagree on an unplanned pregnancy, the man loses. End of story.

Now before I'm beaten by every feminist within ten miles of a Ms. magazine, let me say this: This is a good thing. It is the right thing. As far as I'm concerned, a man's opinion on abortion will count the very first time a man gives birth. But in the end, gentlemen, you have no control. Let's face it; even condoms break.

So Uncle Joe is here to tell you a way to take back some control in your reproductive choices. And before you even think it, I'm not even coming close to talking about abstinence here. Even I'm not that cruel.

How would you like to be able to determine when and with whom you produce offspring? I'm offering a solution that allows you the freedom to decide when and where you and the lady you choose have children. You don't have to worry about unplanned pregnancies. You don't have to worry about child support. You don't have to worry about ugly scenes in front of Planned Parenthood.

Make a donation to a long term sperm-storage facility, and immediately get a vasectomy.

Hold on! Hold on! Get back here. Somebody grab that guy, will you? Stop whimpering fer chrissakes! Your pee-pee is safe for the moment.

Let's look at the facts, now that I have scared the shit out of you idiotic fools reeking with machismo.

Number one--and I'm going to give you the best up front because you're still shaking a little bit--over ninety percent of the men who have had vasectomies report--get this--heightened sensation in their penis after the proceedure. HEIGHTENED SENSATION! There, got your attention, didn't I? Fucking sensualists.

Number two--no more condoms. Well, inside a commited, monogomous relationship, that is. Cum one, Cum all!

Number three--it's a same day procedure at your local doctor's office. No hospitals. No nurses. (Well, that's not really a high point, is it?) No nurses with hairy upper lips and forearms bigger than Popeye. And do you realize what it costs and the pain and recovery time for a woman to have a similar procedure? You've got it easy, bub.

Number four--Control. Yes, that's right. When you reach the point in your life where you want to have a child with the woman you love, you go back to the storage facility and artificially inseminate. No surprises.

And the total cost for this control? About a grand and twenty bucks a year or so for the storage. (The insemination will run you a bit, but then again, you can prepare for that.)

So gentlemen, think about it.

It's time you all started making rational decisions about a part of your body that most of you make very irrational decisions with.

Until next time,

Joseph Haines, signing off from the Edge of The Abyss.