Okay, the world has been pissing me off seriously and it's come out in my journals and you all have had to pay the price by listening to me rant.

It's time to lighten things up a bit.

I'm going to tell you about a few of my favorite practical jokes!

(NOTE: THESE ARE PROVIDED FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY! UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES SHOULD YOU BE STUPID/SILLY/CRIMINALLY INSANE ENOUGH TO ACTUALLY TRY ANY OF THESE OUT! SHOULD YOU ACTUALLY SUBJECT REAL LIVE HUMANS TO THESE ACTS, YOU'RE ON YOUR OWN, BUB!)

That being said, here's my favorite:

You go into a bank, right? (And are there six more ominous words in the english language?)
Okay, now you know how on the back of the deposit forms there is a big square with lines and numbers and other stuff and at the top, in big bold letters it says, "DO NOT WRITE BELOW. FOR TELLER USE ONLY."

Well, what you do is this:

In that block on the back of the deposit form, you write, "Do not say a word. Put all your money in a bag and hand it to me."

Then, you take the deposit slip and put it three or four down in the stack from which you got it.

Stand back and watch the hillarity ensue.

You know, when I've imagined doing this (AND I REPEAT, DO NOT DO THIS!) it's always an old woman who gets the randomly placed poisoned deposit form.

She walks up to the teller, hands her the deposit and the teller flips over the deposit slip. The teller snaps her head up and looks the old woman in the eye.

And we all know what old women love to do, right?

Yup. They smile and nod . . .


Okay, my second favorite.

You find out that your friend is going out of town without his significant live-in lover/sweetheart/other. The day after he leaves, when you know that the partner won't be home, you call up and leave a message.

"Hello, this is Doctor X from the C.D.C. I just wanted to make sure that you received my message in reference the gonnohrea study for which you signed up this weekend. Call me at . . ."

Then hang up.

Oh, and for the real jerks out there:

Magazine subscriptions. Fill them out in said jerks name, preferably to be delivered at his business address. Check the box that says, "Please bill me."

Revenge is never so sweet as Hustler delivered to an OB/GYN's office.

Did I mention the fact that you should NEVER do any of these?

Feel free to leave your favorites in responses!

Joseph Haines, signing off from The Edge of the Abyss.