At least this Meme should prove a challenge:

100 things about me. . .

1. I've been married three times.
2. It took three efforts to get it right.
3. I'm head over heels for the third,
4. Even more so after five years of marraige.
5. I write stories.
6. Some of them are even good.
7. Some of them are even good enough for people to pay me.
8. Some of them are even good enough for people to pay well.
9. Others aren't.
10. I love writing science fiction, fantasy and horror.
11. Only other people call my stories SF/Fantasy or Horror.
12. I call them stories.
13. They're stories where weird things happen, but they're stories.
14. I'm terribly fat.
15. I'm working on that.
16. My hair is deserting me.
17. But that's okay.
18. Because I'm bleaching it tonight.
19. Tip for the balding: Bleached hair actually makes you look like you have more hair, no matter how counter-intuitive that seems.
20. I have three brothers.
21. I have three and a half sisters.
22. No, one's not a dwarf.
23. One is a half-sister.
24. The upper half.
25. I can't resist an obvious joke.
26. My father passed away when I was three.
27. I remember him only vaguely.
28. Which, according to some of my siblings, is not necessarily a bad thing.
29. But I remember a few good things.
30. Like him sneaking me out of the house for ice cream to get away from Mom when she was in a bad mood.
31. Or him putting me on the steering wheel of the car and turning it round and round and round.
32. And me laughing like there was no tomorrow.
33. I remember his funeral.
34. I couldn't figure out why everyone was crying.
35. My mom told me that it was because everyone loved him so much.
36. I lied and said I understood.
37. I shot two people.
38. Both of them deserved it.
39. Yes, I was in law enforcement at the time.
40. I only saw one of them.
41. One of them lived.
42. I have no idea if the other one did or not.
43. It's a long story.
44. I've been to Germany.
45. I've been to France.
46. Luxembourgh.
47. Belguim.
48. Switzerland.
49. Lichtenstein . . .I know, it's so small it almost doesn't count.
50. If you're passing through Lichenstein on the train, don't even bother putting your passport away when you enter.
51. And a few other European countries.
52. I used to speak fluent German.
53. I learned with the help of my German girlfriend.
54. She got tired of speaking English.
55. Said it " . . .made her mouth hurt."
56. So she walked into the bedroom one night before bed and handed me a list of German words.
57. She said, "You learn these before I come to bed. You understand?"
58. I understood.
59. Given the proper motivation, learning a foreign language is quite easy.
60. I played Quarterback in high school.
61. I threw three touchdown passes in one game.
62. I hated football.
63. Harlan Ellison is my favorite writer.
64. He scares the shit out of me.
65. He wrote me an encouraging letter after I sold a few stories.
66. I'll never lose it.
67. I've been lucky enough to study writing with some of the greats in the genre.
68. I've never been so intimidated and so encouraged at the same time.
69. One of them told the former editor of Amazing Stories that he needed to buy my stuff now, while he could still afford it.
70. I had to ask my wife if that really happened.
71. She told me it did.
72. I'm not sure I believe her.
73. I think Samantha Henderson is going to be one of the most famous science fiction writers of this generation.
74. I co-founded an incredible writer's critique group.
75. Sometimes I wish I could walk away from a political or religious argument.
76. I still find it amazing when I sell a story.
77. I still find it amazing when I finish a story.
78. I have an incredible daughter.
79. She loves me in spite of having lots of reasons not to.
80. She thinks I'm a dork.
81. She could be right.
82. I love sitting with my wife at night while she takes a bath.
83. Coffee is the nectar of the gods.
84. I gave up cigarettes, but I'll never give up coffee.
85. I forgive you for not feeling the same way.
86. I think if you're not watching Battlestar Galactica, you're missing one of the best shows currently on television.
87. Most of my stories are about failure, and living with failure.
88. It's easy to live with your successes.
89. How you live with your failures says more about you than anything else could.
90. I should know.
91. I've had a few of those.
92. I'm about ready to move to Cleveland.
93. It's both exciting and terrifying at the same time.
94. I've lived in Seattle now for thirteen years.
95. I've never lived in one place longer than that.
96. Change is good.
97. Brazil may be the best movie ever made.
98. Now you know I'm weird.
99. And with that . . .
100. I exit dramatically.


Joseph Haines, signing off from The Edge of the Abyss.