anyone who sees that i have written so much in one night (and about the same stuff basically) will probably think that i am a big loser or obsessive. its just that my heart is broken. and i have to be at home to house sit. plus i have to get up early, so i have nothing else to do but sit and think. and think. and think. and i cant fall asleep. i just keep thinking about our conversation a few weeks ago, when he told me the spot in his heart for me is bigger than i will ever know. and how he said he wished he could tell me that he takes back everything he said and how he wants me to come stay with him so he can hold me. it breaks my heart. ive never in my life ever wanted something i couldnt have. i always got what i wanted. not in the spoiled brat way (although i am spoiled) but i always worked for what i wanted. especially things that i really really wanted. i dont know how to fail. but i guess this is different. i told him before i only know him and i don't want to know anything else. but i guess i dont have a choice anymore. when we went to philly he said he thought ive fucked all these guys. if he only knew. but i don't think that would make a difference even if he did believe me. im just so angry at life, fate, i don't know who or what but SOMEONE for bringing us together, then never letting us BE together. for offering happiness in one hand and taking it away with the other. i don't know, maybe we never would have been happy together, no matter to circumstances. it just seems like a cruel joke of fate, or God, or someone. maybe its the virginity thing that makes me want him and only him. maybe i am just plain nuts and stupid or blind. but if i could be blind and stupid, but happy, i think i would take the happiness. i just cant imagine the rest of my life without him. i don't want to, it hurts too much. so many times i had people i loved taken out of my life much too soon and i am so tired of the people i love being taken away from me. and people wonder why i never want to get close to anyone, because when i do bad things happen and i get hurt. but mostly bad things happen to the people i care about. its like im cursed, destined to be miserable and alone. i know i sound melodramatic, but i am really starting to feel that way.

-kln-


quote of the night, "sometimes i like to call myself pierre, but i dont let anyone else call me that." -T