Last night I went shopping. It was fun. I saw Justin's friend Nick at the mall. I can't decided if that was hard or not. Part of me still wants him, more than anything. Part of me wants to never speak to him again or even hear his name. Part of me want to forget it ever happened. Part of me wants to believe that it was nothing, that the last three years were a waste of time, a joke. But mostly I want him to hold me and tell me that everything is okay. I dreamt of him again last night. I hadn't meant to, but once again, my dreams took control and sank me down into a smothering warm welcoming painful ocean depths. I can't really remember now what the dream was or what it was about but he was with me and I was in his arms. I know it will be okay in a few months. Just getting there is so hard. I want to quit everyday. No one knows how much he saved me in the first place. No one knows how far I fell last time. I don't know if I can climb back out again. I don't know how I managed last time. Oh yes, I do remember. Drugs and alochol. Lots of them. Every night. Slept all day. Eventually I drowned or burned the thoughts from my mind. I smile everyday and look happy, play the game of charades that only I know we are playing. "Fake it til you make it" how many times have I said that? How many times have I done things that way? "You're always in my heart... I'd give it up for just one more day with you." "I'd give it all away, just to have someone to come home to." I just don't see the point, in continuously doing what I've been doing. I am so damn tired of it.

My friend's mother is dying from cancer. I saw her last night. I am such a selfish ass hole for not seeing her sooner and not being there for her two sons, who are my friends. I KNOW how hard it is to watch your mother slowly die, day after day breathe a little less, while her smile and eyes fade. And seeing Linda breaks my heart. For her, for all the things that she will miss with her sons growing up, and her husband that she will not get to grow much older with, for Bill and Adam who have to watch their mothers life slowly ebb from her body, for them to jump everytime their cell phone rings when they aren't at home. My heart breaks for the house that was once filled with happy laughter, jokes, boyish pranks, and love has the distinct smell of death creeping in the windows where the warm summer breeze once drifted. And there is not a damn thing I can do to make it better. I can't make her better, I can't take the disease from her body, I can't take the hurt from her sons and husbands hearts. Also, my heart also breaks for me, to relive what I went through almost two years ago. For my father, for losing his wife, and my brothers and sister-in-laws, and my nieces and newphews for losing as well. There is not a thing that I can do. God I fucking hate that. I hate it more than anything else in this world. Even more than cooked califlower. I can't stand not being able to control a situation. I can't stand not being able to make it better.

No matter how wide open my eyes are, all I can see is darkness. I know that the sun is shining brightly outside, but the rays must not be reaching me, there are goosbumps on my arms and I can barely move from the cold. And its getting colder every day.



"Waking up from this nightmare, how was it like there?"
"The wreckage of my past won't leave me alone."