I had refused to call Justin yesterday, which I think was a smart decision on my part, except he called me. I shouldn't have answered the damn phone, but of course I did. After giving me a guilt trip about how everything is terrible and making me incredibly bad for him and worried about him he asked what I was doing for Valentine's Day. My mind said "None of your goddamn business." But my mouth said "Going to the bar with one of my friends." And naturally he started flipping out on me about drinking during the week. This coming from the guy who never saw me sober more than once for an entire year. And probably no more than five times in the 3 years we were together. And when I pointed out that he does it he yelled more that I have no business pointing out what he does. Uuummm, excuse me, but isn't that what HE was doing? And besides, I know what the word MODERATION means. As always, he yelled, I listened, then he hung up. Nothing new. In fact it is just too damn old. I had made it very clear before that he and I could be friends if he would stop the bullshit. Yelling at me for things, telling me what I can and cannot do. So on and so on. So maybe it is time for me to take everyone's advice and dip out, not talk to him anymore. It's just that I know the things that he does are dangerous and I worry about him. Like me talking to him will make a fucking bit of difference, if I didn't help when we were together, I sure as hell won't be any help now. I know that I'm not in love with him anymore. That is no concern to me at all. But I do care about him and I want him to be okay. However, I think more and more everyday that not talking to him any more is the best thing I can do for myself. When I think about everything that he did to me, the screaming, throwing things, slamming and breaking things, the lies, the cheating, the things I still cannot bring myself to speak about, I get angry. Not as much at him, but at myself for not saying enough is enough sooner. Which is stupid, he had no right to do the things he did. He would tell me it's my fault that he treated me like that. I 'shouldn't have wore that shirt. Who was I trying to fuck?' Yeah right. He OWNED me. And he knew it. It isn't fair of me to make it sound like it was always bad, however, there was more bad than good. Regardless, realistically, after all the shit he did to me, why should I care to try to be his friend?

After the ridiculous fight with Justin (like any of our fights have ever made sense or like I ever understand what the Hell he's pissed about other than he just wants to yell)I was pissed off and annoyed to no end. Chels, Ally, MJ and I went to Perkins to eat ice cream and chocolate (Cause chocolate makes everything better). Afterwards Chels got into Ally's truck and we had the most interesting chinese fire drills that I have ever participated in. Chels jumped out of the trunk in front of the mall and I jumped in. The people in the bar behind us had to have been so confused. It was all fun and games until we did it in front of a cop car. Thank God he either didn't see or didn't care. Then later last night I went to the VFW with Hoodie and we played pool. I actually won a game. I think I got lucky and I think he kinda let me win. But either way it was fun. We watched Harrold and Kumar Go to White Castle. That movie was funny as Hell. "Dude, did Doogie Howser just steal my fucking car?" "Yes."

My friends are always there for me when I need to just go and have fun. Thank God, because without them I would be lost.

-kln-



let me go