High school has (still) been on my mind recently. Partly because its May and we live near a high school, and I meet them walking the bike paths around here looking jaded and sulky and naive all at the same time.

Partly because as I grow older, it seems to me that human relationships (with rare exceptions) are kind of stuck at high school level.

I know that I am. Before anyone protests, let me say that I think "high school level" means that people gossip, and are judged by outward appearances, and are kind of forced by these appearances to choose allegiances to social groups. That we are easily hurt and easily assume the worst motivation to others. We forget that inside almost everyone is a scared core of doubts and desires that just wishes to be accepted and loved.

But you know, maybe I'm wrong.

Anyway, last night I attended a party of another mommy I know only slightly well. There was one other of my married-to-a-japanese man buddies there, but the two other people there for about ten minutes before everyone else showed up were really different on the outside from me.

And it made me uncomfortable and skittish.

They weren't different like they had three noses, or only spoke French, but different in a more socially salient way.

There was one particular woman there about whom I know like nothing, but couldn't help thinking about in suspiciously high school like ways. She presented as someone very invested in her heterosexuality, and that I have no issue with.

And after sitting at the table with me and my buddy and the other mommy for five minutes, she got up and immediately went out to look for the husbands standing outside to talk to them.

And she gave me the sideways eyeslide when I was talking that I usually interpret as "Kirsten, you're either being too boring or too artificially shallow."

So of course I reacted like a high school student. A sassy voice in my head went "well I didn't want to talk to you anyway" while the emo voice went "what's wrong with me? I'm so boring" and another, more mature voice said "She's going to talk to her friends that's she comfortable with and notice you're sitting next to your buddy instead of stretching your social limits, too, dude. It's natural."

And now I'm still thinking about the situation and wondering if my judgement is too harsh, or I'm forcing other people into stereotypes, or if I'm really boring, or if really people are truly trapped into high school social regulations that mean we are doomed always to be friends with people like ourselves and not people from different social circles?

But really I'm just avoiding work, so I guess I'll go back to it now instead of angsting.