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Sell in Hell - the screenplay
I've been meaning to put the screenplay for SELL IN HELL up for a couple of months. So with Blake's permission and a little spare time...here it is. (The main page, linked above, includes screening dates.)
Winner, Best Writing
2003 Toronto "Giggleshorts" International Comedy Film Festival
SELL IN HELL
by Blake Arnold and Keith Snyder
© 2003 Blake Arnold and Keith Snyder, all rights reserved
Winner, Best Writing
2003 Toronto "Giggleshorts" International Comedy Film Festival
SELL IN HELL
by Blake Arnold and Keith Snyder
FADE IN:
A still, infomercial-type tableau features the video box of
Sell in Hell: Maximizing Your Sales Of This Videotape.
INT. CUBICLE, HELL
The workplace of YOUR HOST (a demon) contains a desk with a
phone, out-basket, and telemarketing accoutrements.
YOUR HOST
If you're like me, you're a demon.
And your job--
(holds up box)
is to sell this videotape, "Sell in
Hell: Maximizing Your Sales of This
Videotape." Today I'm going to tell
you how to do that. You'll learn
how to open a cold call, handle
objections, close a sale, and make
sure your customer gets his order.
And by the time we're through,
you'll be selling like a demon. The
trick to the pitch is we start
where we end. We wham, bam, shine
the thank you, and get out fast.
Here's how it works.
(picks up phone, dials) )
SPLITSCREEN:
Another DEMON in a similar cubicle, answering his phone.
OTHER DEMON
Hello?
YOUR HOST
So we're going to get this out to
you.
(begins to hang up fast)
Freeze on phone halfway hung up. Your Host's live image
slides on, replacing his frozen image.
LIVE IMAGE OF YOUR HOST
So that would be a sale. But if it
were that easy, anyone could do it.
You wouldn't need this videotape.
Usually, the customer has an
objection. The most common
objection is:
Your Host's live image slides off, to pick up with his frozen
image where we left off. The frozen image unfreezes. Before
Your Host manages to hang up the phone, the other demon
speaks:
OTHER DEMON
No!!
Your Host is thus thwarted from hanging up. The scene
freezes. Your Host's live image once again slides in to
replace his frozen image.
LIVE IMAGE OF YOUR HOST
Now the customer is being crafty.
Watch how I handle this.
Unfreeze.
YOUR HOST
Whaddaya mean?
Both hang up angrily. The splitscreen vanishes.
YOUR HOST
So that's a sale. As you know,
there's only one job in hell and
that's telemarketing.
(holds up video)
Telemarketing this videotape, "Sell
in Hell: Maximizing Your Sales of
this Videotape." So you might be
asking why demons answer the phone.
Demons answer because they're not
too bright. They think someone
might just be calling to say hi.
Phone rings.
YOUR HOST
(picking up)
Hello?
VOICE ON PHONE
So we're gonna get this out to you.
YOUR HOST
No!!!
VOICE ON PHONE
Whaddaya mean?
Your Host hangs up.
YOUR HOST
I should explain to you what just
happened. I just got sold a copy.
Now I'm not gonna pay for that, but
I'm glad it happened, 'cause now
you've seen somebody sell it, and
you've seen somebody buy it. Now
once you've made a sale, you have
to fill out your order slip.
ONSCREEN GRAPHIC:
ORDER SLIP. It has only two things to fill out:
1. Customer's telephone number (666) ___-____
2. Did customer say yes? [ ] Yes
A little red animated "x" is entered in the "yes" box.
INT. CUBICLE
The phone rings.
YOUR HOST
I'm not going to answer that. Now
you take your order slip, and you
put it in your out basket.
(demonstrates)
The phone rings a second time. During the following
conversation, a demon arm reaches through a hole in the
cubicle wall, screen left, and steals the order slip from the
out-basket.
YOUR HOST
(picking up)
Hello?
VOICE ON PHONE
So we're gonna get this out to you.
YOUR HOST
No!!!
VOICE ON PHONE
Whaddaya mean?
Your Host hangs up.
YOUR HOST
So, back to the--
(sees empty out-basket)
Oh no!
(losing it)
This place is full of thieves!
(etc., ad lib)
(regaining composure)
All right... I'm glad this
happened, 'cause it's something you
might not have thought of. Hell is
full of thieves. Somebody's always
gonna steal your order slips.
Fortunately, demons aren't too
bright, so here's what I do.
(leaning in)
And I only do this when someone's
stolen one of my order slips.
Your Host reaches through a hole, offscreen right, and brings
an order slip back in frame with him.
YOUR HOST
I steal one of someone's order
slips.
He places it in his out-basket. During the following
monologue, the arm reaches in from screen left and steals it.
YOUR HOST
Now, most of your sales won't want
to pay for their orders. We got
that covered. As you know, there's
only one job in hell, and we all
work for the same company--you know
what I'm talking about. So you'll
get your commission. Here's the
problem, and it's rampant. Demons
are deadbeats. They never pay for
anything they order. When that
happens, you lose your commission
and you get charged a penalty. So
you're always gonna get a negative
paycheck. That just means you're
doing a great job!
Your Host notices that the second order slip has been stolen.
He leans offscreen right and snags a replacement, which he
places in his out-basket.
YOUR HOST
So let's review what we've learned.
CUTAWAY TO GRAPHIC:
A CORPORATE BULLET LIST APPEARS. Your Host speaks the items..
YOUR HOST (V.O.)
- Your soul is lost to everlasting
torment
- It's too late for redemption
- Payday is Friday.
YOUR HOST
Now you've got all the tools you'll
need to sell this videotape, "Sell
in Hell: Maximizing Your Sales of
This Videotape." Well, I gotta get
back to work.
(picks up phone, dials.) )
So we're gonna get this out to you.
A demon arm reaches in from screen left and steals the third
order slip.
YOUR HOST
Whaddaya mean?
Your Host leans over and snags another order slip from the
cubicle at screen right. He hangs up. The phone rings.
YOUR HOST
(picking up)
Hello?
EXT. HELL
Office cubicles with demons in them stretch to the horizon.
FADE TO BLACK.
© 2003 Blake Arnold and Keith Snyder, all rights reserved
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