I always throw away any mail with Teri Garr on it.

I like Teri Garr. Rrroll, rroll, rroll in ze hay! Ooo, sank you, doctor! Caught her in The Sting II the other morning during dandling duty. Not a good flick--the writing's not sharp and all the dialogue sounds looped. But I liked Teri Garr in it okay. No problem with Teri Garr.

What I don't like is Multiple Sclerosis junk mail. Teri Garr is the spokesperson for MSLifelines. MSLifelines is, according to its website, an "educational and supportive community for people living with MS."

This is a load of crap. MSLifelines is a way for Serono and Pfizer to sell more Rebif. Rebif is interferon. I inject myself with it three times a week. The cost is $1000/month. (I pay $75 of that--for now. I was notified by my insurance company that they'll be reclassifying it soon.) Every 28 days (when I remember to call in time) I get a FedEx box with an orange REFRIGERATE UPON ARRIVAL label on it. In between, they mail me Teri Garr pictures with rah-rah copy because it's a cheap way of reinforcing my continued custom.

My suffering probably rates a 1 or 2 (tops) on the 10-point scale they use for measuring how bad you are. 10 is death. Last visit, my neurologist said if she didn't know me, she wouldn't even know anything was wrong. Mostly it's vision and balance-related stuff: Vertigo, double vision during the first month of my babies' lives because of the extreme sleep deprivation, that kind of thing. Like my neurologist, you wouldn't know if you didn't know me, which is good, because I don't have to put up with sympathy, but also bad, because I don't get any sympathy. "You look fine" is one of the mixed blessings people with MS have to learn to accept.

I used to do internal Powerpoint presentations for a large pharmaceutical company, so I have no illusions about any of this "community" shit. Pharmaceutical companies don't want to help you adjust--they want to control your buying habits. They want to plant "thought leaders" in these "communities," and it wouldn't surprise me if they were planting 'em in the newsgroups, too. The money's just too big not to. They leverage their core competencies to bend foreign countries' laws in their favor, for god's sake. Evil marketing at home? Piece of cake.

I don't actually hold much of a grudge against Serono/Pfizer. They don't mind if I die, as long as I'm in an acceptable minority, but I can't get that worked up about it. They make my drug. I need my drug, and they make it.

But Jesus, I wish they'd stop mailing me cheery yellow junk mail about my degenerative condition. Nothing like a million-piece marketing campaign about what an individual you are, and how empowered you could be, to make you feel nameless and powerless. I'd rather get a black envelope with a skull and crossbones on it than another warm, glossy picture of Teri Garr looking positive.

At least it would be funny.


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