We Are The Change We Seek
"i got this" - Kenny Wyland

This isn't where I thought I was going to be when I looked forward into my life, but here I am....

Yes We Can

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Unfamiliar Landscape

The last couple of weeks are so different than normal that it's hard to even know what is normal. Packing up our belongings and moving is obviously strange and out of the ordinary. It makes me feel like I'm in limbo, having everything in boxes, not really feeling like I belong in the new space yet, etc. The loss of my brother and the grief of my family obviously is as far from normal as I ever want my life to get. Knowing that members of my family are out there crying during mundane tasks in their day, constantly thinking about Stuart's last few months, etc. All of these things make my mental landscape strange and different. I don't have a mental place that seems normal, where I can go and just relax in the familiarity of it.

I went back to work on Monday and went to my Hwa Rang Do class that night in an attempt to regain familiarity. However, at work I had almost a thousand email (literally) waiting for me (not normal), I had long talks about my brother with people (not normal), and wasn't really able to concentrate or get any work done. These things are all understandable and normal in the current situation, they just aren't normal in the larger scope of my life. So, it's hard to find comfort there. After that I went to class and I talked to Do Joo Nim about Stuart. I don't really want to talk about that yet. The abnormality of the dojang right now doesn't even really connect with Stuart though. My 1st degree Black Sash test is coming up next month, so I don't participate in class anymore. I stand off to the side with my partner and just drill material for hours, so... abnormal. *sigh*

My journal isn't much of a comfort either, because it's not the right place to spew a lot of what I'm feeling. I know I can write those things privately, but it doesn't have the effect that I want. Thankfully, I have Jenn and can say those things to her and she understands and is there for me. It's just all so freakish. I have no idea what to expect this Friday and Saturday and I'm not looking forward to it.

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