Watching "Survivor" tonight, I got to thinking about perception. Two people can observe the exact same scene and come away with two totally different perceptions of the event. They can talk to the same person at the same time and have two different ideas about who the person is or what the conversation was about.

We percieve ourselves differently than other people percieve us.

I perceive myself to be a fairly nice person,funny, compassionate, forgiving, loving. Some think me to be cold, uncaring, sarcastic, even mean. Some think I'm not such a bad egg. The consensus is that I am a flawed human being. I agree with that observation.

When I first realized that not everyone in the world loved me, I was devastated. For many years, I was a people pleaser...it wasn't until I was in my mid 30s that I really decided that it didn't matter much what people thought of me. I am who I am...no one is required to love me, let alone like me. I'm okay with that.

My question, I guess, is where does this need for love come from? Is it an intrinsic part of each of us...or does nurture or lack thereof bring it about?

There's another question I've pondered lately...why is it we often seem to treat strangers better than we do family? Is it because we take family for granted...they know who we are and we don't feel a need to impress them? We offer a stranger a seat, a drink, a kind word, open the door for them, smile or nod hello. If its a family member, sometimes we just let the door slam in their face, we let em find their own seat, get their own drink, maybe cuss at them if we are displeased with their actions,frown for no particular reason and assume we will be loved anyway. A puzzlement.

Another enigma: Often I find myself wondering what I will get from a relationship, rather than what I can contribute to it. I don't mean to do that, it just happens. I enjoy giving much more than I do receiving, so I'm at a loss as to why I do this.

Which brings me to another thought. I think sometimes the real gift to someone I love is allowing myself to receive...that was a hard one for me to come to terms with. I guess I never wanted to feel indebted to anyone. That all changed when cancer came to visit me. I learned then that I wasn't the only one who loved to give and it was pretty splendid to be on the receiving end.

I don't know what brought on this philosphical binge...but its over now...at least for the moment...thanks for reading.