I have been utterly exhausted lately, so no posting. Not a lot of online action at all lately.

Briefly... perhaps: Ear infection going. I <3 drugs. Still on drugs.

Went to chiropractor today: Back and neck messed up. Going back Thursday morning.

I definitely need a new body :).

Avadore's IEP was Monday morning: There's a lot to talk about here alone. The upshot: Most of the kid's speech apparatus (i.e. tongue, palates, throat...) have issues and is causing him to have speech problems. (This was not news, and I was expecting these things to be an issue.) His little brain is constantly running, trying to compensate so he can communicate. He compensates quite well, according to his new teacher and the speech therapist. And he still has problems. Also, there could be some cognitive issues (again, I am sure there are), but they need more time with him to determine what's up with that. (I think part of it is that he has primarily been developing the right side of his brain and has only recently started developing aspects (e.g. language) of the left side.)

Anyway, the whole thing broke my heart.

Avadore will start school the first week of April. We need to go shopping for a big boy backpack.

Late yesterday afternoon Avadore cut his hand on a huge tree branch. It's a long story. He needed stitches. Several hour ordeal at the local immediate care center (who called today, incidentally, to see how I was feeling) and then at the store to pick up groceries and Avadore's antibiotic, just in case.

Again, heart-breaking. Avadore is a sweetie, though. After the doc finished stitching Avadore's hand up (in which Avadore was fascinated and had to watch all the gory bits of stitching up said hand -- and where I almost passed out --) he snuggled into me and said, "I love you Mom." Which was a relief -- the part where they used a needle to numb his hand was pretty traumatic for the little guy.

Came home last night at 8:30. Fed kids. Ate apple and cheese for dinner. Took popcorn out of microwave that I was popping when Avadore hurt his hand. Talked to Rice and the J-Spot. Dropped into bed, exhausted.

Got up today. Arranged child care so I could get my back and neck fixed. Got them fixed. Made appointment to go back Thursday. Picked up kids. Back and neck went out again. Thankful to go back so soon. Will continue to exercise. Will pray for lighter kids who don't need to be hauled around a lot in the near future (the last several days have been bad for that).

Took Avadore to an activity for the kids. Realized just how bad his receptive communication skills are. Was disappointed in some people. Re-realized some of the friendship issues up here. Makes me appreciate the friends I do have.

Also, realized that not only is Avadore completely aware that he has a hard time speaking, but that he has a hard time understanding people sometimes. (Yes, his hearing has been checked and is fine.) Also, realized he doesn't "fit in" with the majority of the other kids up here. (He has a few friends up here he gets along very well with and has a wonderful time playing with.) Though this sucks and makes us sad, it's okay. His dad and I didn't tend to "fit in" with the majority of the people we grew up with either. And looking back on it, I can see no good reason why I should have fit in with the kids. But then, I saw no good reason to fit in with them at the time, either.

Still, heart broke again. Several times.

Today Avadore also said he doesn't think he's handsome anymore.

Heart broke again.

I cried a lot tonight.

Avadore knew I was feeling sad. (He's sensitive and perceptive that way.) Before we arrived, the kids had decorated cupcakes -- one for themselves and one for a friend. Avadore was given some frosting and sprinkles so he could decorate his cupcakes at home. He took the chocolate one and frosted and decorated it for me. Of course, it was full of gluten.

I have never wanted to eat anything so much in my life.

Though I can't pinpoint anything logical that I can say I did to cause Avadore his problems, I still feel like I've failed him. Maybe that's normal for parents -- we want to do everything in our power to make their lives wonderful, even though that's not possible 100% of the time.

Part of his problems definitely occurred during the pregnancy. During this time, I did everything I knew how to do to insure the baby would be healthy. And still it wasn't enough. At the same time, are any of us truly born completely perfect, with genetics or formation of the bodily organs, etc.? I mean, just in general, Rice got the gluten-intolerance gene, I was born with the gene for eczema (which I passed on to the kids), a messed up back, a back prone to more problems, one leg shorter than the other, I could go on ... People have predispositions for heart problems, or weight problems, or learning disorders. These things are affected by our environment, absolutely, but I think you understand the point I'm trying to make.

But this doesn't mean than none of us aren't valuable, wonderful creations. It's truly a miracle that any of us are born as functional and as capable as we are. And it's the same for Avadore. So he had a tongue-tie and poorly placed palates that caused him trouble in terms of sucking and speaking. He's still such a sweetie, and he means the world to me.

In terms of the potential cognitive issues that I really believe are there, I think some of them he inherited from me. In terms of him favoring the right side of his brain, well, that's just who he is.

Again, none of us are perfect. I think we all come with things that may cause us some problems or inconveniences, some more than others. We all have to figure out how to adjust and compensate and work around some of our "flaws", and we adapt. Humans (especially children) are amazingly adaptable. And some of us need help learning how to adapt so we can thrive and reach our fullest potential for whatever we decide we want out of life.

But still, that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt when I watch Avadore try to communicate something to me that he has no words for and I don't know what words he needs to make his thoughts known. It still hurts when I watch him struggle because he doesn't understand the verbal instructions he was given, and when he comes to me to tell me he doesn't understand what he's supposed to do.

I'm afraid very little of this makes much logical sense right now. I am so tired. Worn out. This would probably be a better thing to address when awake and lucid. It's definitely time for sleep.