First of all, appreciate all the warm wishes and kind thoughts. I appreciate the sympathy, and am saddened by those who empathize. It's a crummy thing to go through, and it sucks, and I'm sorry that anyone has to do this, no matter the sex. Rice is having a difficult time, too, and has each and every time.

Things are getting a bit better physically. Drugs are a lovely thing, and I'm only needing one pill at a time now, versus two. Yay for progress.

But things have begun to set in emotionally. The pain sucks, feeling absolutely blah sucks. But the emotional part is the worst. I can breath through pain, I can take pills for the pain, I have lots of lovely people helping with my kids, and offering to. (And I'm absolutely touched.) But there's not a lot to do with the emotions that accompany this. There's no blame, though Rice keeps cussing about "Norman the Wondersperm" who evidently wasn't in any condition to get the job done right. :) And I haven't been angry, though I can guarantee that if anyone comes up to me and says, "Heard about the pregnancy. Bummer -- sorry, but now let me go on and on and on and on about how great mine is going for about 1/2 an hour" I might feel pretty darn annoyed. Or if you say that really I haven't lost anything or that it's best this way because goodness knows my plate is full enough right now and the added stress of a full pregnancy and new baby would be a lot to handle, I might slug you.

Mostly I feel sad. Sometimes alone. Sometimes I think about my childhood and the things that comfort me, the things I want to comfort me now, and it saddens me that there's no way to go back to these things and have them again. I will never lie on my grandparent's couch, eating tapioca pudding while they watch their soaps. To begin with, my grandfather died, my grandparents sold their house, lost the couch, Grandma doesn't watch the soaps anymore (AFAIK), and she only heats up TV dinners my aunt buys her. That alone makes me cry.

I've also thought about being at my dad's and my step-mother's house the last time I had a miscarriage, lying on the hide-a-bed, the dogs curled around my feet, with nothing to worry about but getting better, eating Mom's fried chicken and potato salad she took the liberty of fixing me (because, she had of course noticed, I wasn't eating anything). That was a hard time, but it was comforting, too. But now I have a family to worry about (not that this is bad, my children do make it better this time), and all of the dogs have died, and though my mother may occasionally make fried chicken, she doesn't make regular old potato salad anymore because of the glycemic index, she uses cauliflower. The cauliflower isn't that bad, and is actually pretty good, but at times like this it's not quite the same.

And I wish the good things could last forever, and never change. But that's life -- life is change. Life is evolution.

And it makes me sad that this extra bedroom upstairs that I'm currently using for an office doesn't need the changing table that's also in it now, nor the extra space for the basinette/crib. Or that right now there'll be no baby to use the little outfit I bought for LD that I forgot about and he never wore. Or that I'll be able to eat real wheat-filled cake for my birthday.

The pregnancy wasn't planned, but that doesn't mean the loss doesn't leave a hole, or a sadness. Doesn't mean it will be forgotten -- now it's a part of my history, and my life. And that's just how it is.

Today my sister-in-law (the K-Spot) came over to help with the kids and hang out. And it was good. She kept my mind off of the things that would make me lie in bed and sniffle. She kept me distracted, and busy with her company. I need the time to feel bad, but I can't lie in bed all day feeling horrid, either. Balance in everything, right? And she doesn't care if I've bathed, if my clothes are dirty, or if I'm not wearing a bra. What else could I ask for?

My next door neighbors brought over a lovely dinner for us that would feed the whole neighborhood, I swear. It was so kind and generous of them. I've been told the other next door neighbors are bringing dinner tomorrow night. They've offered to take the kids to the park for a couple hours if I need a break. They've offered to help in any way they can. Rice's cousin's family has Avadore for the evening. They invited us all to a block party with fireworks, or they offered to take the kids -- whatever we wanted. The wife has a horrible cold and LD is pretty busy, so I just sent Avadore. I suspect he'll have a wonderful time.

I am surrounded by lovely, generous, kind people -- IRL and virtually. I am rich beyond measure, and don't know what I ever did to receive such kindness. It's blowing my mind -- where we lived before we moved ... nothing like this would have ever happened. Or maybe I'm wrong. But I'm still amazed, and touched.