Drove around some today after getting some groceries, running errands... Trying to figure out this town a little bit. I was starting to really get it back when we moved in the fall of 1999, but I'm having to relearn it again. And it's coming back...

But there are bits that are so odd, that feel so strange, as if I'm in two places at once, or if I'm a ghost of myself, or if I'm accessing the ghost of my former self. It's an odd feeling, and it's not the first time I've had this feeling since coming back.

Part of the town really doesn't have this effect, e.g. the area where we currently live. (Probably because most of this area didn't exist when we lived here before.) But today I was at the grocery store, which is right by where Rice and I lived, and then Like a Friend was playing (which was a song I listened to a lot during the late '90's, when I lived here before), and though I couldn't remember the address where we lived, I drove in the entrance to take me by the apartment, and then I knew where it was, and what my address was, for about three seconds I had our phone number.

I drove us to the bakery where Rice and I got our wedding cake from. It was the best wedding cake, evah. Seriously.

And then we drove by the university outreach area where I took some horrible classes with some really not so bright folks. But there was the park where we performed some biology experiments, and it was lovely, and geeks were out playing ultimate frisbee (this park is also located near the local Idaho National Lab and Department of Energy offices -- lots of geeks running around), and I felt as if I were in my early twenties again, trying to figure out so much, and survive.

Finally, on the way home, I went by the Mexican restaurant (purely because it's on the way) where Rice and A_______ and I used to go. It was fine food, and sadly enough I don't think we ever went back after A________ died. There wasn't any discussion about it, we just never went back.

And all the landmarks, little buildings, streets, and paths jarred memories, things that had been buried and forgotten.

I realized that in some respects it was really a good time mixed in with some really hard bits, back in the late '90s, when Britpop was king, and then started to die, and Neil Gaiman was still a fairly obscure name, and our country seemed to be in a better situation, and I was a lowly anthrogeek, a little bit lost and very, very sad.

I have more freedom now. I am not beholden to a bunch of crazy academics, or to a stifling town. I have a better idea of what I want, and why I want it. And I've gotten so much of what I wanted in life. There's still hard bits, but there's something to be said about freedom, and knowledge, and self-awareness. And the fact that Oasis and Blur and The Spice Girls aren't still having it out.

Today I met this kid (not really a kid, but he had to be no older than 19 or 20) who could add up sums in his head. He was lovely at it, and so charming in a cool guy sort of way. And I really wanted to say, "Do you want to hang out?" but how weird is that? It would have flown when I was childless and younger, but now it's just some weird old lady who seems to be robbing the cradle.

I'm an introvert and have very few social skills. How in the world does one make friends with someone one meets in the grocery store?

***

Dream about Mr. Anthropologist again. I have told my subconscious that's it. No more dreaming about Mr. Anthropologist. Do you hear me? I'm done.