I went home yesterday to see my grandmother sans children. We visited for a few hours, and had a lovely time. She was looking better than she did last week, thankfully, and she said her back was doing better. (She had some compacted vertebrae, and has had a horrible time with mobility and pain. She spent a good portion of the summer on Vicodin.) She is still having a terrible time breathing. She is getting very old (she's 90) and it's hard to watch. But she's spicy and intelligent and still has her wonderful sense of humor.

She has to stay in her chair all day, except for when she has to use the bathroom. She has a walker for that. (She falls otherwise.) My aunt makes her snacks (my grandmother is hypoglycemic) and lunch which Grandma keeps by her chair during the day. My aunt also takes care of Grandma's other meals and house cleaning, etc. Home health comes in a few times a week to check her over, exercise her and bathe her. I am so thankful for the way that these people serve her.

I spent a good portion of my childhood at this grandmother's house, and moved in with she and my grandfather when it became evident I couldn't live with my mother and her mother anymore. (It had become a very bad situation, and this grandmother knew I had to get out, so she invited me to come live with her for a bit.) No matter what was going on in my life or how hard things were, I knew Grandma and Grandpa loved me. I miss my grandfather very much sometimes, like when I make faux mincemeat (he loved mincemeat pie, faux or otherwise). I know I will miss Grandma horribly when she goes.

It's hard watching those you love, no matter what hard times you've had together (for I've watch some people die that I had an occasionally difficult relationship with go) be ill and eventually watch them die. And it's always been a relief to know that they no longer hurt, that all was better now. But it doesn't mean that you still sometimes wish they were there, at least still somewhere in the world, whether with you or not at that moment.

So I'm so glad I went, so glad Rice took the kids so we could really visit. I'll have to go back soon. She may last several more years, or not. And whether she does or not, this time is certainly not wasted.