Catchy title, eh?

I've heard from many (read: at least 2) persons of foreign orientation that English is actually a pretty simple language to learn. I've heard some non-native speakers in their home countries speak so perfectly after doing nothing more than watching American television that I had accused them of being American. This has happened to me twice (Go Ethnocentrism!).

"Simple" doesn't just mean "easy to learn", however. I'm thinking more as "Simple" as in "Ignore him, he's simple". Modern English in a great many ways is quite retarded. Specially retarded. It has thrown off a lot of complexity, sure (gender neutral pronouns, no weird clicks, stealing words from other languages at every light breeze). But what's left sometimes seems to have been assembled by a bunch of "Dudes" fully into a pot binge. The corner's just don't match up, ya know?

A case in point: Cattle Lactation.

Whey products are one of the single largest categories of food consumed in the US. It has many forms and functions (Don't know any functions? Start carefully reheating Velveeta until you get a speedboat. It bounces, for heaven's sake.)

Some examples of the language playing merry hell (or silly buggers, as you prefer).

(Adjectives)
"Buttery" is a flavor (So far so good).
"Creamy" however, is a texture.
"Milky" is an aspect of color.
"Cheesy" is a behavior.

(Verbs)
"Buttered" is a rare verb form that means "to apply some of the noun form". So "Buttered" means "To add butter". Yet there is no "Jammed" (intending meaning to apply jam, not sticking things where they don't belong), "Peanut Buttered", etc. The only other verb that I could think of that does this is "Lubed". "Toasted" certainly doesn't mean "Add toast" unless you're one of those people who thinks toasters simply apply a thin layer of crisp to the surface of bread.

"Milked" means to accost something and forcefully expel milk. Or many other end products, for that matter (Not going there.. see that? we're not there because I didn't go there. You'll have to go alone.) Again, a rare form of the verb. If I "Grilled" something, would I be forcefully removing the grill? If this verb form was more common, people would go to jail for having "Buttered".

"Creamed" means to hit someone violently, to add cream or to make creamy through blending. "Creamed", apparently, is trying to please everyone. Well not here, Mr can't decide! Not here!

"Cheesed" means to either behave in a campy manner or to lie (I totally cheesed that interview). It never implies adding real cheese. It doesn't even imply Velveeta speedboats. No force is involved.

And don't get me started on the distinct lack of adverbs..

Anybody have any others that I can add to my lactation hall of shame?

-WS

P.S. In review, EG has just informed me that Velveeta needed to be capitalized as it's a proper food. My response? "No. No it's not."