I can't talk about a lot of the details in a public forum. I've been censoring myself a lot for the past two years, which is primarily why you've seen my posts here dwindle into nothingness.

But I don't want to entirely censor myself any longer. I won't go into why I got divorced here right now. Maybe later. Probably not at all. It doesn't seem appropriate. If you want to know, drop me a line and perhaps we can discuss it in another medium.

But this is the situation as it lies: divorced, moved to California to start again -- more jobs, sun (to help with my clinical depression I've been struggling with for the past couple of years as the result of the situation I've been in), and actual IRL friends -- tried to make a home for my kids. Got a job, got an apartment with a large private back yard for them to play in a small town that has one of the best school districts in California and the nation, tried to make a home for them.

And I'm not getting primary custody. I don't have the money or the resources to pay for a custody battle, which I would probably lose anyway because the only thing I have going for me is that I was their primary parent. I don't have any of the other considerations: a significant income, insurance, the house where they've been living, Avadore's Montessori school, which Fox will also evidently be attending this fall, and will probably adore :) (And so he should).

This is so hard for me. I tried and tried to do all I could to make a good life for them and for me, and it feels as if I failed them. It feels as if I failed everything. What am I working for now? That's how it feels. Truth? Perhaps, perhaps not. But that's how it feels. And despite what I've been told for the last several years, how I feel is relevant and important. How I feel matters. My feelings are valid, whether they're logical or not.

My friends here are teaching me this.

And so, except for summer break next year and hopefully a couple weeks this year, and some extended holidays, I will live alone.

Rice tells me this is good -- I'll have time to work on my writing.

But that doesn't make it any better.

I wailed for hours today, in my bed, and then I slept. And then I sobbed. It hurts. I can't tell you how it hurts. Everything for nothing. It's not true, but it's how it feels. And it's okay to acknowledge that.

I'll make it through. As Rice said today I've lost important things before. That's true. I have. And I made it through those times. And yet, those times it wasn't my kids.

They're still really young and I believe with all my heart they need their mommy because of where they are developmentally. And how could I not want them? They are embedded within me.

Rice is a good father. He has a lot of support. His parents, neighbors, and friends are taking the kids a lot.

I believed at the time, and still believe, I was doing the best thing for the kids and myself in the long run when I asked for a divorce. But it's hard to feel that through what I feel now.

And no. Everyone who knows why I left agree moving back to Idaho is not an option.