I was never going to blog about. But so few of you read this anyway, and you've followed me so long. And I think I need this.

We had agreed that after I came to California where I could find work (because there was no work for me in Idaho or Utah) and I found a place for the kids and I to live and a school that was on par or better than where the kids were going to school that I would take primary custody of the kids.

When I called to let him know I had a job and had found a great place with a nice back yard that was in one of the nation's best school districts and had bought beds (he asked to keep the kids' bunk bed) and other things the kids would need he told me he changed his mind: He was going to keep the kids.

And he did.

I was legally granted school holiday breaks and summers. He tried to talk me out of Christmas, saying I got Thanksgiving. He tried talking me out of summers saying I couldn't afford to take the kids, telling me I had agreed to let him keep them with a couple of visits during the summer because of my finances. (Which I had not.)

And yes, it's true I don't have a lot of financial resources. Yes (and I don't like admitting it; I have my pride issues, just like everyone, I suppose), it's true I'm a poor writer. (I just did my taxes.) But I know how to live frugally and get by without a lot, even with kids. I did it for so, so long after he lost his job in 2005 and didn't bring in much income. We don't need as much as we seem to believe. Peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and homemade macaroni and cheese cost less than a Happy Meal and provide for a lot more meals.

And now he's saying that he only has so much allotted towards the kids' childcare this summer while they're with me. (An amount that is a ridiculously good deal for even Idaho.) Thankfully I have the court declaration on how much we both pay for childcare, otherwise I'd either have to quit my job or not have the kids at all.

It's so frustrating, especially since I'm intimately aware of his financial situation and the financial contributions he's making to other people's kids. I know he's not insanely rich and I'm not expecting him to be made of money, but I wish we could both be fair.

I know, I know. Life isn't fair.

But maybe this is what really scares me: I got used to him framing the reality of situations and telling me how things were going to be, no matter what I said or wanted. He keeps doing it, and I'm so afraid of falling into it again.

I left Idaho because there were jobs in California. I left Idaho because I knew if I stayed he'd control so many aspects of my life and I'd never be able to be true to myself. I left because I thought if I were gone maybe he'd have a reason to get better.

I just thought I'd be taking the kids, too.

This is what I get for trusting stupidly.

***

I'm probably going to regret posting this in the morning. I try to be so discreet and not bad mouth him. But in the end I just end up protecting him. Leaving this post alone will be an exercise.