ah...time to ramble.
when things get too close i tend to squirm. i don't know why. i am afraid if i let people take a good long look at me they might discover all my imperfections and think twice. i want to be a different person than i am now, but my mind just won't let it happen. there are many things i cannot say on here and that i should write somewhere else but right now it is just a lot easier to type. lately i have not been myself...i feel so weird...like i am numb to everything..it's kind of hard to explain. i just don't think i am like other people. everyone seems to be somewhere but i feel like i am in this little universe that i have created for myself and only i can enter it. i don't like people getting close to me. physcially and emotionally, i want it on the inside, but then if it happens something tells me to stop. i don't know what i'm saving myself for. it's just like everytime i leave my own little world, things get weird and i shut out everything and i think i owe people an explanation for why i am so weird.

lots of times i sat in my room thinking gee this would be fun, if only my life were like that. now that some of these things are here i don't know what to do about them. i just get so damn scared all the time, i'm so afraid someone else will come along and ruin everything, like if i do something wrong it will all be over. i'm so fricken insecure, it's so horrible to be around me and to listen to me because all i talk about is what i hate about myself, it's like this nasty habit.

i don't want to do it, it just happens. and sometimes i have these days where i feel like everyone thinks i'm a jackass, i think everyone gets those but today was one of those days for various reasons and sometimes i just want to pause life and watch tv for a little bit and then come back when i feel like it. the end