it doesn't matter the make up you buy. it doesn't matter how many times you look in the mirror and tell yourself, "i'm beautiful." all you need is for one guy to say the opposite and everything you have built has crumbled.

this entry goes out to all of my friends who have been through this. i write this from their experience, and i write it from my own. i know it's true yet i let myself be taken advantage of. because let's face it girls. we don't have any self esteem.

why do we let them take over us? just because they have a penis dangling between their legs, does that give them the right to tell us how to think and feel, does it make them better than us, does it mean we have to sit in our rooms crying over someone who is out fucking someone else anyway?

that is my perception on guys.

i've only met a precious few who do not meet the description of the standard guy. and after all of the shit me and my friends have been though, i think they deserve to be ripped apart on my online diary which no one reads anyway. so here goes.

a guy tells you he loves you. he makes you feel like you have something that no one else has. and then he dumps you, just like that, with no warning. or he cheats on you. or he says something to you, something along the lines of "so-and-so is so hot" or "you're fat/ugly." he has no idea that he has just ripped your heart out and chopped into a million tiny pieces. to him words mean nothing. to him your tears might as well just be another drop of rain that falls on the dirt that becomes mud, the same mud that everyone steps in and wishes they didn't.

and just those simple words, "i love you," they are supposed to bind you to him forever. they mean he will always think about you, he will never leave you, your love is the one that will surpass all others. and when you find out this isn't true, it's the hardest thing in the world. it's like society has been feeding you one big lie after another, all the movies you saw, all the tv shows, they were all a bunch of lies neatly strung together. and you just don't know what to do with yourself anymore, how do you carry on? how do you wake up the next day and present yourself, make like nothing happened, when inside everything you ever felt was true and wonderful has been robbed from you, all your decency, all the good feelings you had about yourself, they're gone, and all because of some guy. now does that guy have to sit around feeling sorry for himself? no. does he sit and talk to his friends about how fat he is, about how he hates his life, about how if he got breast implants everyone would like him? of course not. so why should we have to do it? hm, maybe because society tells us that the only way anyone will look at us is if we look like barbie.

alright, so just because my boobs aren't ripping out of my shirt, i'm not good enough. and it's not even my fault, it's just my genetics. and because of those little genes, i am judged for the rest of my life. i am labeled "hot" or "undesirable." and all because of something i have no control over. and meanwhile i am trying so hard to be a good person, but my efforts are in vain, because according to society i am worthless.

this is what guys, the media, and everything else has made me believe. that i am worth nothing. and i know there's so many girls out there who feel the same way. there's so many girls who have boyfriends who they secretly can't stand, but they love anyway, because they think they can't get anyone else. there's so many girls who are absolutey paranoid because of what one guy said to them one time. if i said the sky was red, does that make it true? no. but if a guy tells me i'm fat, his words are the gospel, i have to live my life according to him.

and no matter how much i believe in myself, there's an overpowering voice inside my head driving me to do things like starve myself and check the mirror every 12 seconds. this voice cannot be silenced, it must be listened to, because if it isn't, it wreaks havoc on my mental being. my sanity revolves around the words of a person who can't tell his dick from his ass. and unfortuneatly there is no way to change this cycle of sick dependency.

so, to wrap it up, this was for all my friends and for myself, and for any other girl who reads this, i'm sure there aren't too many. even after all the mental torture i put myself through, i try to remind myself that i have to put myself first, that i'm the only one living my life, and most importantly, i don't need a guy to survive. oh yea, and if all else fails, there's always lesbians.