today i came home from play rehersal. i sat on my couch. a few minutes later my mother and aunt came home from a walk. my mother put her hand on my shoulder. "he's in heaven," she said.

she might as well have asked me how my day at school was. the words did not make sense to me. but it did not come as a shock, because i knew it was going to happen any day now. but i did not suspect today.

and i guess it has not really hit me yet, or at all, being that i just found out half an hour ago. as of now, my life is still the same. nothing has really changed. it won't hit me until i see him in his coffin. alone and dead and cold, forever that way. the last thing i said to him, i remember it, was when he couldn't figure out how to get his cell phone out of silent mode, and i did it for him, and he called and said thank you. that was the last thing i know. i don't know any other way of life, without my grandpa in it, so it;s hard to imagine what it was like. but it's the little things you start to think about, like just now, i took his cell phone number out of my phone book. little trivial things like that, that you come across, when you can't seem to grasp the enormous concept of death.

i keepy crying a little bit, and then stopping, and then starting again, but it's not a lot, not all at once, not this huge display of emotion. i feel sort of guilty for that, like as if i don't care, but i really do, i am just so overwhelmed with things to feel. nothing seems to be happening, it's like this is another event of an ordinary day. when he was alive, i did not seem him everday, it averaged out to about once a week, give or take. so it will take me awhile to finally realize it.

i don't know. everything is all at once. i feel like everything is spinning and i dont know. i will write more later when i actually know what to say.